2023 in Review

 Happy New Year 2024

2023 has been filled with challenges and blessings.  

Of course I miss Dad as the one year anniversary came around.  Finally in August I had some time to myself and able to begin grieving his death.  As well as grieving Dad's death, I am also grieving another stage of loss of Mom.  After Dad passed away Mom's dementia became worse and it was harder without Mom & Dad looking after each other.  I began spending days with Mom then nights also - mostly 24/7.    I didn't feel I was getting enough personal time or breaks and was beginning to be so stressed I was having anxiety and panic attacks.  In June Mom's doctor felt it was the time to change to living in a memory care facility.  Prairie Senior Living Complex is the place for that.  10 days later I got a call that there was a bed available for Mom to move in.  June 23 my heart broke as we moved Mom into long term care.  I have been with Mom & Dad most every day for the past 16 years and now Mom is no longer on the farm.  It took time for both of us to adjust.  Actually Mom has settled in well and now has a private room.  She is very social and more helpful that needed there.  She is involved in activities when we are there or the aides come get her and take her along.  My adjustment has been a little slower at coming along.  I really miss not being with Mom every day.  I go to Colby 3 days a week to spend the afternoon with Mom.  At times it is hard to leave her because she is struggling with me going.  My heart hurts.  

When I visit Mom I try to always be in the moment.  She will jabber on and on while nothing fits together or makes any sense.  I tell myself to just listen to her voice and watch the expressions in her eyes.  Overall she is happy to see me.  We have cut out 2 quilts and she 'helped' me sew on them. I have a little more time for the things I feel I need for myself.

    Gingham quilt top

Derrick decided to remodel Mom's house this winter and wants me to move down to the underground house.  I had not ever really thought about that but do believe it will be good.  The house is zero entry with 36" doors throughout with 3 bedrooms instead of one.  The quilt room is there and I would not have to move the quilt machine and I will have a 2 car garage.  Derrick wants to put a couple hired truck drivers in my house as he is renting a house in Selden for them now.  I have been cleaning, sorting, and organizing for Mom ever since I started spending days then all the time with her at her house.  With this remodel I had to get the house packed up and moved out for that to happen,  My sisters have basically told me that they are busy in their lives because they work and that they do not have time to help me pack up Mom's house,  After all I don't work and it will be for me in the end and they are not going to help me move-that is my problem not theirs.  Karen helped me the most coming home for 5 days at a time every few weeks and Allen came home for a week and sorted and cleaned in Dad's machine shed and garages.  Everything is sorted, packed and moved to storage.  Dan Wachendorfer Construction began on the house a couple weeks ago.  Things seem to be moving fast.  Moving makes sense but I have lived in the little house on the farm longer than any other home I've lived in as an adult.  It is about the same amount of time as living in our childhood home in Hill City.  This will also be another grieving time.  

A year ago I was in 2 walking boots at the same time trying to heal broken bones in my feet. I was diagnosed with Charcot Foot.  I then was fitted for custom insoles and diabetic shoes.  I struggled through June to get it all right and it never was.  I was so fed up with Hanger in Hays and have just had to deal with the painful feet.  It is hard to walk very far and balance is not good.  

The end of May I fell on the driveway slipping on the mud.  I bruised my knee, jammed my wrist and shoulder.  My side and back hurt when I would bend or stoop over and pull weeds.  I wore a wrist brace for several months.  In August I had a flat tire outside of Selden and tried to change it myself.  Something happened and I had sharp pains in my side.  I called Layne to come hep me.  I ended going to the ER in the middle of the night to find out that I had broken a rib that was in the process of healing,  What??  I must have broken it when I fell on the driveway.  Early December I fell off the 4 wheeler on the driveway and landed on my left knee again.  It took a while before I could get up.  It is finally not bruised but still it tender and swells some.  

I had a goal for 2023 to quilt one quilt per month for me and one for Mom.  I did quilt a few for us and one for Judy.  I also made a quilt for Altar Society for their 2023 Mardi Gras raffle and also make another for their 2024 raffle.  I made a t-shirt quilt for Roni and a baby quilt for Amy. After Mom moved to Prairie Senior I started cleaning in the house and quit our monthly quilting projects.  

 Altar Society 2023 quilt raffleAltar Society 2024 quilt raffle

    Amy's bug baby quilt

    Roni's t-shirt quilt for Jenny

In the past 3 years I have put about 8,000 miles on my car for Mom & Dad's health care, business, etc. as Dad did not have the energy to find out what was happening with their van and I was uncomfortable taking in on road trips.  It has not been driven much in the past 2 years.  I have the van running with new battery and new tires and a disconnected fuse that was draining the battery.  I have had to clean, clean, clean.  Dirt and mouse poop filled the van since sitting and having windows open.  I still need to shampoo and armor all the van but it is a lot better.  The transmission is shifting rough so I need to check that out but I am planning to drive it for local trips (within 30 miles or so) and keep my car for longer road trips.

2024 Goals:

• Daily Scripture Study & Prayer
• Attend the Temple quarterly
• Visit Mom 3 days per week
• Deep clean kitchen in underground house since it is not being replaced
• Begin sorting & packing in my house in preparation of move
• Move and settle in underground house
• Set up my house as furnished rental
• Clean Quilt Room
• Unpack storage unit
• Make quilt labels for Roni
• More personal time to adjust to life changes

I am blessed to still have time to spend with Mom.  I'm blessed to have a home to live in that I can afford without pulling out of my retirement investments yet.  I am blessed to be able to remain active and fairly healthy overall.  I am blessed to have supportive family and friends.  I am blessed to have peace with the changes in life this past year.  I am blessed through my faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and to have the influence of the Holy Ghost in my life.  I see blessings in every day things every day. 

May 2024 be an even better year that this past year had been.

                        

HAPPY NEW  YEAR 2024!

Rose

Finally able to begin grieving Dad

 For some reason Saturday is the day that I am ready to watch the tribute video that Judy made for Dad's birthday last year after he had passed away. I also watched the funeral service video.  I cried and I laughed and at times laughed and cried at the same time. It has touched me so much.  It brought back so many great memories. I could tell you what was happening and where it was when most of these pictures were taken.  Each one caused a lot of reflection for me.  

https://youtu.be/n2NY22L0SqU

Gerald F. Juenemann Wake & Funeral Service Video
At the time of 47:00 is Dad's Last Tractor Ride and at 51:00 is the Final Farwell to Grandpa, Great Grandpa (Papa) and Great-Great Grandpa.  

Last Tractor Ride

Final Farewell

            

https://youtu.be/c-dfOOj_TlY

Gerald F. Juenemann Tribute Video ( 9-8-1935 to 5-3-2022)
Made by Judy Rogers for Dad's birthday 9-8-2022

Thank you, Judy, for all your work in making these videos.

As much as I have missed Dad, I am so blessed to have had 15 years of living on the farm across the road from my parents and to see them or at least talk to them every day before Dad passed away.  I was blessed when Mom & Dad talked me into moving to the farm when I was so sick with physical and emotional collapse so that I could live a simpler lifestyle and destress to heal.  They said the day would come that I could help them out as they age. That was 16 years ago.  

I have been blessed to go out on the Ranger for rides around the farm with Dad to check cattle, tag baby calves, chase cattle back in and fix fence, dig musk thistles, poison prairie dogs, cut and gather firewood, check crops, move equipment between fields, come to the rescue, and just ride to enjoy the cooling evening with the setting sun. Dad loved the farm life and his farm.  I grew to love it quickly after he & Mom talked me into moving to the little original house on the family farm.  I have been scared of mud roads since I was a little girl.  I am no longer scared and will drive the mud roads but doesn't mean I like it.  Yet I am not ashamed to just stay home when the roads are the muddiest. Hey, mud means we received some moisture! 

I am also blessed to have been able to travel with Mom & Dad, hang out with them at the house listening to all his stories about people he has known and about life experiences. I was blessed to learn from Dad as I would sit with him and help him as he worked. I have also been blessed to help him as he aged and became weaker and needed help medically.  I took him to doctor appointments, the ER, the hospital.  I was with him as he had surgery and as he was admitted to the hospital for the final weeks of his life.  I was blessed to spend the night with him in the rehab center just a few nights before he died.  We did not get any sleep and I treasure every minute. I am grateful that he trusted me to care for him and loved me enough to share himself with me.

Dad has passed and Mom is living in Prairie Senior Living Center in the memory care unit.  I have a little less "taking care of business" mode and a little more time to reflect and grieve the death of Dad and the slow loss of my mother to dementia and her move off the farm.  I am finally able to feel with my heart and spirit. I am finally able to grieve.  I am finally able to move forward with the beautiful memories. I see how greatly my Heavenly Father has blessed me.  I am grateful to Jesus Christ for the atonement he made on our behalf and to know that he suffered all for me and walks beside me at all times even when I am not alert enough to realize it.  I am grateful for the comfort of the Holy Ghost that gives me peace in my heart, mind and soul.  God is so good.  I pray I can serve Him and others in faith.

Even though I miss you terribly, Dad, I am extremely joyful that you are on your next journey in eternal life.  I'll make sure that when the time comes that you and Mom are together for all eternity.  I love you and will see you again.

Love you, Daddy!

Rose

 

Moving to Prairie Senior Living Complex

 I treasure all the time over the past sixteen years that I have had with Mom & Dad. Over the past year since Dad's death and especially the past several months, I have been blessed to have so much special one on one time with my mother.   The last six years have been a bonus with Mom after being diagnoses with AFIB, Congestive Heart Failure, Breast Cancer and Kidney Disease.  We didn't think she would have been alive yet by that Christmas.

 When I took Mom for her regular checkup with Amanda Reid on June 1, she said that she felt it was time for Mom to be moved to memory care.  She discussed it with Mom and explained to her the reasons.  Amanda told us at her very first visit as a new patient that she would let us know when the time had come for the change.  I have trusted Amanda from that first appointment to do what is best for us physically mentally, emotionally as well as spiritually. She has always looked at the whole person not just this one complaint at a time on its own.  She asked Mom if a bed became available at Prairie Senior would she be willing to accept it.  Mom said that she knew someday  that would happen and if that is what Amanda thought was needed then she would do that. I have been staying with Mom day and night with a little help from my sisters since her prior doctor appointment in February.  

 I have been overwhelmed by full time care but both Mom & I have adjusted. She is not hard to care for because she is very mobile and able to take care of her personal care needs.  The only problems we have are what is normal with Alzheimer's.  It is a strain to be on constant watch that she does not wonder both day and night.  Half the time she does not sleep through the night and has been up in the middle of the night thinking it is time to start her day.  Caring for her is more a mental strain than a physical strain.  I am grateful for a few little breaks with the help of my sisters. I do know that I can not care for Mom with these conditions without more help.  

 I am not against Mom going to the memory care unit in the nursing facility.  I am just not ready for it.  When I moved to the farm in order to heal and to help Mom & Dad as they needed more help, I wanted to fulfil Dad's wishes that they live out their lives at home on the farm as long as possible.  Dad did live at home until the last 3 weeks when he was in the hospital and rehab center.  

 After the June 1 appointment and Mom agreed to make the move to memory care since the doctor believed it best, I have been so torn.  My head knows it will be good for us all but my heart is breaking.  My personal (and sometimes not rational) feelings are at war.  I feel guilty because I know this will as good for me as for Mom in the long run.  I also feel like I have failed Mom & Dad by not being strong enough to care for Mom longer at home. I feel emotionally drained.  I feel guilty and a failure.  I feel relief at the same time.  I feel ripped apart. 

 The first Sunday every month is Fast Sunday at church.  I am not able to fully fast because of health and medications but I can do some and I can pray with a special purpose.  This weekend my intense prayer was to really know God's will and His plan for us.  I have always believed he has a plan for each of us and if we will seek His will for us and follow that we will be blessed beyond measure.  I have seen this happen in my own life over and over.  I prayed for what is best for Mom, her care and safety as well as how I can best honor her.  I prayed for knowledge of God's will and the courage and strength to do what he requires of me.  I prayed for comfort in the war between head and heart and that they can come together.  I prayed with intensity and full faith that my prayers would be answered and I would know what I was to do.  I received the feeling of peace that whatever is to be will be for our good if I trust in Him. I felt more calm and that my head and heart were coming closer to accepting what is God's will.

 10 days later I was caught off guard and shocked when I received a phone call from Prairie Senior Living Complex telling me they have a room available for Mom.  This happened so fast! It will be a semi private room for now.  As soon as we could get the CARE assessment from The Area Agency on Aging and an evaluation admittance doctor appointment Mom could check the same day that is done. I know that this was God's will and His timing. Even though I am not ready for this so soon, I know this is the right thing for all of us at this time.  I am so sad but accept it even though my heart still breaks.  Those appointments were completed yesterday, June 23, and Judy, Mary, Cathy & Joe were with me when we checked in Mom and unloaded her belongings after lunch.  By 4:00 they were all gone except me.  Mom did not want to be dropped off and abandoned then she did not want to stay if I was not going to stay with her.  We both cried as she felt scared and I felt heart broken.  I did finally leave around 9:00 once Mom was in bed.  I called Karen and told her about the day as I cried even more.

 I feel like my heart has been torn open and can not heal because someone keeps ripping off the band aid and tearing off the scab.  I feel like I have slowly been losing my Mother for the past 6 years, now again as she moved off the farm for nursing care.  I will have to lose her again one day as I have lost Dad for the remaining time I have on this earth.  I look forward to the joy of seeing them again in paradise in the next life beyond this mortal life.

 Today I did not go to visit Mom. I feel that it may be best for both of us as a way to start our adjustments.  I will see her after church tomorrow and  again on Tuesday because I have an appointment in Hays on Monday.  Mary & Kassie went up to see her and then Karen & Ron stopped to visit Mom on their way through to Colorado.  I talked to each one of them after their visits and I talked to her nurse this morning.  Mom slept through the night.  She got a shower this morning.  It's been 2 weeks since her last shower at home and that was for Judy.  She refused to take one when I would ask and I decided this was not a fight I wanted to have with her.  She did not eat breakfast saying she was not hungry but she never has liked eating that early in the morning.  She also did not eat much for lunch.  Mom was visiting with another lady as if she had known her for years and talked like she had been there for a week.  She was in the dining/day room folding towels when Mary got there.  Mom's roommate said she did not like this other lady using her bathroom and Mom has people in all the time and she can hear everything that we say.  She is going to move out.  Mom offered to help her pack.  I had to laugh at that.  Mom was just trying to be helpful and not snarky as far as I know.  I would love for Mom to have a room to herself and we can move her own memory foam queen bed that can be controlled up and down as a hospital bed.  

 Today I went down to Mom's house to empty the dehumidifier, pack up some of my things that were taken there as I stayed there.  I took out all the trash bags I had ready and spend an hour picking up.  I got my scripture study done by noon then tried to pick up some in my own house, took a nap and watched a little tv while playing games on the phone.  I got my dish ready for the church dinner tomorrow and cleaned up the dishes.  It will take time to get my house back in some sort of order but, in all honesty, my house is never totally in order.

We will adjust and we will be blessed through this change in our lives.  I am so grateful to Jesus Christ for walking with me through these changes and adjustments.  I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for answered prayers.  I am grateful to have the Holy Ghost to testify to me, guide me, and comfort me.  

Love you, Momma!  See you tomorrow after church.

Rose 

Happy Anniversary in Heaven

 Dear Dad,

Tonight I celebrate your one year anniversary in heaven.  I miss you so much.  This week has been a little bit hard for me as I remember one year ago as you were sick, not able to eat or drink anything and suffering in pain.  I was trying to do all I could to help you be more comfortable and well cared for.  I was trying to care for Mom and to have her spending as much time with you as possible in your last days on earth.  It rained so hard that last day and the night you passed through to the other side of eternity.  You were seeing beautiful clouds that night.  All seven of your children were with you and Mom that afternoon in a meeting trying to get you home with Hospice.  You wanted so much to be home and in your tractor again.  God has a plan for each of us and He knew your time was short and that would not happen like you envisioned.

I remember that night you left us.  When I was ready to take Mom home for the night, there were so many people in the room with you.  She kissed you on the forehead and told you she would love you forever.  I squeezed your foot and told you I love you and said goodbye, not knowing yet suspecting that would be my last words to you.  You told me you loved me too.  That is such a precious moment for me. 

Driving home in the pouring rain I was thanking you for it and cursing the mud at the same time.  We have not had any really good rain since that night.  Could you send some more moisture.  We really need it.

When I got home that night, I sat in my car not able to go into the house yet and prayed with all my heart for you and that God would not allow you to suffer in so much pain for long.  I prayed God’s will be done, not my will because I did not want you to leave us yet I did not want you to suffer either.

You always said you wanted to die on your tractor and we should just dig a hole, kick you out and cover you up in the field. NO FLOWERS was always your demand.  We did try to fulfill as many of your wishes as we could for you with your funeral. Derrick and Layne gave you your last tractor ride from the church to the cemetery.  You had to wear your suit in the casket because Mom said you were going to a nice place so had to wear your nice clothes.  You were covered with a quilt made from your old overalls and jeans for that last ride.  You were placed in the hole and all your grandkids, great-grandkids and even one sweet little great-great granddaughter all put a handful of your field dirt over your casket.  You had no flowers except one single iris that bloomed overnight in Kassie’s flower bed.  Yes, your funeral was different from most in those ways but it all was so fitting for you. 

You have blessed my life.   I have been blessed to be living on your family farm and to be able to spend time with you every day for 15 years.  I was so sick and you encouraged me to move here to heal and to help you and Mom as you needed more help.  I loved going out with you to check cattle, fix fences, work on tractors and implements as another hand, and work with you on anything that needed fixed.  I have always said I had direct access to you through what I called my special calling card - 1-800-Call-Dad.  You fixed everything for me all my life.  I have now had to figure out fix-it problems for myself.  I learned so much from you but surely not enough, yet I try.  I was blessed to be able to spend the night with you in the rehab center just a few nights before you left us.  Neither one of us got any sleep that night but we had that whole night together.  We talked all night.  You were in so much pain and I could not fix it for you.  That broke my heart.  That night will always be a special memory and blessing for me also. 

In the year you have been gone, there have been some changes.  I am still blessed to live on the farm and to be with Mom every day.  As her dementia has worsened, I have spent more time with her.  I now spend day and night with Mom and have some help from the others also. The doctor feels it is time to place Mom in memory care in a nursing facility for her safety. There is also some concern for my own health.  I believe it is getting too much for us to handle alone and that I may not be what is for Mom’s best care.  My head can accept this at times but my heart is fighting back hard.  Mom is much calmer when someone is with her all the time as long as it is one at a time.  I feel like I am letting both of you down if she has to be placed away from her own home.  Oh, Dad, it is so sad to watch her not know that this is her home or where her bedroom is or even where the bathroom is at times.  I will do all I can to honor your wisher and help Mom and be with Mom and love her with all my heart. 

By the way, we finally got your headstone placed in March.  I hope it is what you had in mind and that you like it. Mom and I went out this afternoon.  As you can see there is a package of candy in front.  Macie leaves candy for you.  You can also see your parents headstone in the background.  

 

My heart has been sad for missing you yet it is joyful for you to be further along your journey.  I celebrate your journey that began a year ago tonight.  I pray you are celebrating the journey with all your family on that side.  We are surviving on this side till it is our time to join you.  I look forward to being with you again in eternity.  Happy first anniversary, Dad.

I love you, Daddy.  I miss you.  I celebrate you.  Thank you for being my daddy.

Your loving first born little girl (that is all grown up),

Rose

Emotional Drowning

This blog is my way of journaling and to sort out all that is going on in my life, in my head, and in my heart.  As I write I get more clarity and can examine my feelings about all that is happening.  It is not meant as a way to gain followers or to promote myself in any way.  I have always journaled.   I know a blog is out there in some internet cloud for anyone to find and read but that is not my goal here.  If by some chance you have found this and actually take the time to read all my ramblings I hope that something I say may mean something to you, help you in some way, or you get to know a little more about me as a person.  

One year ago today Dad called me first thing in the morning asking me to take him to the hospital.  He had not been feeling well for a few months.  He had trouble eating and drinking without chocking and spiting up everything.  I had taken him to the doctor (with his agreement) because he seemed to have so much phlegm and thought he might have pneumonia.  He was treated with antibiotics and steroids twice in the past two months.  I had to fight with the doctor to admit him since he could not get any food or drink down.  He had lost around 50 pounds over the last six months.  This hospitalization began the last 3 weeks of his life.  I know this crazy emotional state of fighting tears all the time is because of another 'first'.  The next three weeks will be very hard for me because I am the one that was with him every day let alone all day every day once he went into the hospital.  All those feelings from that time are more incense now because at the time I was taking care of everything for his best care, everything for Mom's care, keeping family informed, dealing with everyone else's emotions.  My emotions at the time were in taking care of business mode, knowing Dad may not be alive by morning.  I treasure the night I spent at the Rehab Center with him.  It was a hard night because he was in so much pain and so weak yet we talked all night.  Neither one of us slept at all.  Over the next few weeks I will have a lot of 'first' emotions to deal with.  I am now beginning the grieving process because I have not taken the time to feel anything over the past year.

The past few months Mom has become more confused especially in the afternoon and evenings.  I had been going home mid afternoon leaving her to herself for the late afternoon and evening. I would leave something for her to heat up for supper.  She has always been able to stay home alone even at night.  I have changed the time I have stayed with her.  I now stay from the time I get up and around in the morning, fix and eat lunch and supper with her so that she will eat, then go home as she is getting ready for bed.  This is usually 8-10 hours a day.  I have only spent the night at her house one night.  I ask her every night if she wants me to stay because she becomes so anxious and almost a little scared and paranode. She tells me no or tells me to go home.  She doesn't remember where her bedroom is but as we walk back to it, she then remembers because there is her 'stuff'.   Mom is confused as to this being home and wants to go home (her childhood home).  She wants to call her parents or brothers to come get her to take her home since "Rose won't do it".  She thinks there are little kids around all the time or that there are transient men needing a place to stay.  I check all the rooms for her to make sure everyone is gone before I leave.  She sees and talks to parents or her brothers and especially her oldest sister, MaryAnn.  Her mind is mostly in an unreal state and knows Dad died but her stories of things that happened while I was not there are conversations with Dad or something Dad did a little bit ago, or where the little kids are that were just here while I "was running around with my friends" and not coming "home" at night.  The porch light is on waiting for me every morning when I go to her house.  She has no concept of light means day and dark means night.  She calls me very early in the morning some days wanting to know where I am because nobody has come to see her all day.  Mom it is still dark and night and ok to go back to bed.  She got ahold of my brother by playing with the phone thinking it was the tv remote.  She thought she was talking to Dad.  She told him she knew he died but wanted him to know what has happened since then and ask him what she should do about different things.  My sweet brother talked to her as if he were Dad in her conversation.  Physically Mom is doing well overall considering she is dealing with breast cancer, congestive heart failure, and kidney disease that all take a teeter-totter balancing act with meds for one to not cause more problems with another.  

The last 2 weeks I have completely fallen apart emotionally.  I feel like I had been treading water trying to keep afloat but suddenly felt like I was covered up and drowning. When Karen got here a couple weeks ago I broke down like I have not in years except for the night I got home from the hospital before Dad died later that night.  With  Karen here I got basically 3 days to myself to watch General Conference, clean all the mouse turds out of my kitchen cabinets, and file my taxes.  It was so nice to have that break.  Judy calls Mom every day to check in.  I do not really get much of a break when the other girls come out because it is an couple hours and I don't always get to go home during that time.  Judy has been so good about taking Mom's calls when she believes I am lying to her.  

I have talked with Mom about her two options (staying in her home with my help or going to a care facility) and she is ok with a care facility but does not think it is time yet.  I honestly do not feel she is at a point that she needs it since she can stay along at times during the day and at nights yet.  I am not needed 24/7 yet although I am just a phone call away and 2 minutes to grab clothes & get down the hill.  If it were not for the stress on me and the trouble I have with stress and anxiety issues anyway causing other health issues again, I'd want to still have her at home.  That has always been my goal.  

STRESS:  By the end of the day, my stress level is high and we both become crabby & snappy with each other.  It that just mother/daughter relationships? Is it her fidgeting with stuff constantly that over taxes my senses? Is it her asking the same questions over and over because her mind is not clear any longer?  Is it me feeling I have so much I need to do in my own home and for myself and not any time to do it?  I do not know why I feel so much stress.  

FATIGUE:  Due to the stress I do not sleep well.  I stay up later and later at night to feel like I am actually in my home and have a little time to myself.  Yet I am so mentally fatigued that I do not feel like doing anything but sitting in front of the tv, computer or phone and sometimes all three at once.  When I do go to bed I do not sleep very well and wake up tired.  By the time I get around and down to Mom's I feel worn out already.  Before when the stress got so bad I was only sleeping about 3 hours a day/night and never continually.  I do not want it to get to that point again.  

FRUSTRATION:  As the day goes on Mom's memory gets worse-Sundowners Syndrome.  She has started telling me some fantastic story about the "people that were just here" but then can't remember what she was telling me in the middle.  She also is having more trouble finding words.  She gets frustrated with herself, I get frustrated with myself, we both get frustrated with each other.  She is having more temper outbursts and throws things across the room when she thinks I said something that made her mad when what she tells me I said was nothing in any conversation we had been having and nothing that I had said to her.  She thinks I tell her something so off the mark and she gets mad.  I seem to get mad back when I feel unjustly accused.  I hate it when I feel and act that way.  Then I am frustrated with myself and feel guilty for upsetting her and snapping at her.  I know it is the disease and not my mother so why can't I control my own emotions better?  

GUILT:  These are my problems, not Mom's.  I feel that if we do put Mom in a care facility at this stage, I have failed her and Dad both.  I feel guilty for thinking of my needs instead more of her needs.  I tell myself that I am thinking of what is better for her over what I can do for her.  I feel guilty because I wonder who am I really thinking more about.  I know in my head these feelings of guilt are irrational but in my heart I still feel them.  Guilt, guilt, guilt.  How do I get past these feelings of guilt?  

HEALTH:  I had been doing some physical therapy for back pain from muscle tightness.  It was not helping at all so Friday I talked with my therapist about the stress and tension that I feel is the cause since nothing we have done has helped.  Basically I am about to the emotional collapse that I was when I had to quit working permanently at Service Oil. My body is so tight from tension and I have been having headaches by the middle of the day.  Blood pressure and blood sugar have not been too bad. The therapist talked to the hospital social worker, Kelly, and she called me later that day.  I wanted to know what the process was if we should decide to place Mom in a care center rather than keeping her at home.   I have talked to my sisters and they all think that it is getting too much for me alone but they can not help me so I can get some breaks on the weekends.  Karen is the only one that has come out and stayed several days at a time.  Mary is having Mom come to stay at her house in Colby this coming weekend so I can go to Alex's wedding in Kansas City.  They are not opposed in any way to beginning the process to have her placed in a care facility.  My brothers do not oppose either.  Allen has said he will go along with whatever I think is best and Kevin has felt that the time has been coming for a long time.  

BLESSINGS:  Oh, but the blessings are tremendous.  I have been at the farm for 16 years seeing my parents every day and the past year since Dad died I have been spending most all day every day with Mom.  Moving to the farm allowed me to heal from the the physical and mental collapse at Service Oil.  I have had the chance to better know my parents for the people they are & not just as a girl sees her parents.   Being able to serve, love and honor my parents has been such a blessing.  I can not express how grateful I am for the time I have had with them nor how they have blessed me life.  I am so grateful to my Savior Jesus Christ for the love he and Heavenly Father have for me.  He made an atoning sacrifice for my sins, suffered all pains and trials, and tribulations in order to know how to help me, died and was resurrected so we all can be resurrected again.  I know I will be sealed to my parents one day.   I am grateful for the comforting and guiding presence of the Holy Ghost in my life. God is so good.

On top of all else, my dad's oldest sister, Rita (age 99) passed away Sunday.  That means 6 of the 10 children for Fred & Rose Juenemann have passed away in 3 years and 2 weeks.  2 passed away earlier and now only 2 are still living.  Rita's funeral is Friday morning and I am going to Kansas City from the funeral for my nephew's wedding.  I am looking forward to a few days away.  

I also have missionaries coming tomorrow to the farm to do some projects around the house and yard to help me. I am grateful for these young men.  I cooked today making a casserole and peach crisp for them.  They can freeze it and have anytime when they do not have dinner appointments.  I still need to find some more items to have ready for tomorrows work.  Better get looking.  

Good night.

Rose

You are not "MY" Rose

 March has been eventful over the past 3 weeks.  March 1 I turned 66 years old.  Happy birthday to me. I do not like pictures of myself but decided to celebrate the day with something to remember.  

The day was spent with Mom who only wanted to argue with me because we were planning to leave the farm for a couple days to go to a funeral and she thought I should go by myself or find someone else to go with me.  At one point she told me I was not going to win this one but I did afterall.

The next day we left to spend the night in Beloit for my cousin's funeral the following morning.  We drove through Hill City and drove by the house I grew up in and Mom & Dad ran their business "Jerry's Radio and TV" from the home.  She has no memory of that time at all.  She was completely baffled about it.  We drove around the block so many times and stopped in the street looking so much that the woman came out to see if we were lost and if she could help us.  We explained to her that we had owned the house and are the family they purchased it from.  She was so sweet but I felt bad that we had made her nervous.  I was surprised she had not called the police.  Only in a small town would you go out to see if people loitering outside your house needed something on your own.  

Jim Long is the first of my generation of cousins on the Juenemann side to pass away.  Jim was a month younger than me.  All my cousins were so great to Mom as they all came up to her at one time or another with hugs and little visit.  After each one Mom would look at me and ask who that was.  She did know her sister's kids (at least knew they were MaryAnn's even if she was not sure who's name was whose).  They all know her situation and is one of only a very few aunts left in the family.  

After being gone for two days Mom did have a rough time with more confusion.  Whenever we are gone she doesn't know where home is.  Being back in her own house on the farm does not seem like home to her.  Yet, all her things are there so it must be home.  The next week all she wanted to do was have someone take her 'home'.  The only thing I can figure out is that 'home' to her is the farm house that she grew up in by Angelus as a child.  She struggles to understand that her Mom & Dad have died then asks about each of her siblings as well.  There are only 3 of the 10 children still living - Sister Rita, Mom and Phyllis Jean.  

Mom knows Dad died but she 'forgets' and is waiting for him to come in for supper.  She has called me to check on him thinking he must be working in the shed.  Then while talking to me she remembers, "Oh, I guess he won't be coming in.  Daddy died."

I had been going to Mom's in the mornings when I got up and around, fixed and ate lunch with her, did any household chores that needed done, then would go home 3-4 pm so she had some time to herself.  I began to notice that she was more confused in the late afternoon and evenings by the phone calls.  I decided I needed to stay and have supper with her as well then leave when she said she wanted to go to bed.  Now I'm usually there from around 10 am to 7-8 pm.  She is getting ready for bed when I leave.  Of course she actually does not always go to bed then.  A few nights she has called me later in the evening thinking someone is coming and has not arrived yet but she wants to go to bed or she is waiting for someone to come get her and take her home.  She has packed up all kind of random things that she wants to take home with her.  There are no clothes but just random things that make no sense together.  She called me at 5:30 the other morning saying she tired and asked it it was too early to go to bed since Dad has not come to take her home yet.  She thought it was evening instead of morning.  Mom is losing her sense of day and night based on light and dark along with time of day.  She wants to feed me even if we just ate lunch and got the dishes done.  Feeding the family is what she did for 66 years..  She doesn't cook anymore and rarely even puts leftovers in the microwave.  She was eating cereal, peanut butter or ice cream for supper if she even knew it was supper time.  

One day Mom was exceptionally confused.  She knew my name was Rose but not that I was her Rose.  When did that happen!!!?? Daddy & I never did anything like that! Why didn't we know about you?  You were never at family dinners or family reunions.  Do the other kids know about you?  You must be from Dad's other wife.  Did he know about you?  This went on and on for almost 3 hours with her walking out of the room mad because I was telling her things she did not believe then forgetting why she was mad but didn't remember what we had talked about and starting all over again.  All I can figure out is she must have been  thinking about her Dad and his first wife that passed away after the birth of their 5th baby & later married and they had her and 4 other babies but I was not a sibling of hers.  I was not hurt that she did not remember that I am her daughter but my heart breaks for her to be so confused and frustrated when she realizes she can't remember.

March 15th Dad & Mom's headstone was set up at the cemetery.  It looks good.  I took Mom out on Friday to see it.  

She walked up to it, looked at it and walked off to find her sister, MaryAnn's, grave.  As we were leaving the cemetery, she asked me where we were than asked if that is where Dad is buried.  "Then we need to she where he is", she'd say so we drove around the loop and back to Dad's grave.  "Oh, OK" and around the loop we'd go again with the same question and results.  We went to Leoville cemetery also to see her sister, Janis's grave also.  

Overall Mom and I are doing ok.  She seems more appreciative of me spending more time with her and I am glad to be there with her.  She caught me video recording her as she came into the kitchen to show me something.  She was so happy she found something in a book she thought I might like.  I loved seeing her happy and smiling and forgetting for a little bit she doesn't feel well.  I wanted to capture that expression and voice.  I have pictures of Dad but not really a recording other than the one of him singing "Silent Night" at Christmas Eve mass before he quit being song leader at church.  I wish I had more of his voice just talking to me about anything-cows, tractors or even the people he knew when he had his business in Hill City when I was a child.  It is hard to believe that Dad has been gone 10 1/2 months already.  Seems like yesterday and at the same time seems like so very long ago.  I sure miss him and know I will miss my mother as much when that day comes.  For now, I will enjoy every moment I have with her.

Rose

 

Health update

 I was in Wichita the first of the month for a 6 month checkup with the cardiologist after extremely high blood pressure last June.  All is well and I do not need to return for a year unless something else comes up.  

My other issue is that my feet are becoming misshapen and rocker bottom.  My doctor finally sent me to an orthopedic that specializes in feet disorders.  I have Charcot foot.  It is tiny broken bones in the feet that go unnoticed because of diabetic neuropathy.  I do not have bad neuropathy but because of the fibromyalgia pain in legs and feet just thought that was what was happening.  I was wearing walking boots on both feet at the same time for 7 weeks.  He also wanted me non-weight bearing but that was not possible for me at this time.  The untreated healed tiny broken bones have caused collapse of the feet and the rocker bottom and side bulging deformed shape.  I had to get special insoles shaped to my feet and diabetic shoes when I got out of the walking boots.  I am still trying to get them adjusted but can walk better in shoes than barefoot. The misshapen caused severe pain to walk. My balance is really messed up and there is concern for fall risk.  Everything else is going well.

Dad always told us that getting old is "the shits".  At 65 now I am beginning to believe him! 

 
Mom is struggling more with memory.  When Mary comes out she usually does not know who "that woman" is that is that came to see her and brought her things.  When are the boys coming home from school? She has been packing boxes and bags with such odds and ends that makes no sense to be ready to" go home" when someone will take her which in her mind is Angeles where she grew up .   Today she knew my name was Rose but she did not know I was her daughter Rose. Today she asked me if both of my parents were dead.  Most days she wants to know if I am coming home at night or am I "staying out all night with my friends again" when I come home to my own house.  Her bloodwork looks really good and her kidney functions are reduced but stable.  She is very short of breath and fatigued which well not improve because it is congestive heart failure that can not be treated surgically.  She does not want me around all the time but I spend most of the day with her then leave her alone late afternoon and night.  At this time she is able to do that but the day will come that I'll need to stay with her more even if she doesn't think so.  When I go home she will call me several times with the same question over and over.  At least I know she is ok when she calls me. 

My mental health from caregiving is ok.  I am exhausted mentally and physically and have little focus for my own housework and activities when I get home from Mom's.  When any of the other girls come out I try to stay home so I get a couple hour break and they get their own time with Mom for their own personal relationship without me always being involved.  When there is more than one person at a time, Mom gets overwhelmed and upset in general.  I am surviving at this time and am grateful to be able to spend time every day with her.  The day will come when I will not have that blessing and then I can focus on other things.  Now Mom is my priority and privilege and daily blessing.  I miss Dad but am grateful for the 15 years I lived on the farm and was able to see him every day also.

I take time each day to study the scriptures and stay close to the Lord.  He helps lift my burdens by taking them upon himself if I will turn to Him and let go to trust in Him.

Rose

First Christmas in Heaven

 Merry Christmas!

The last Christmas Eve Mass that Dad was song leader I was with Mom & Dad.  At communion time Dad was singing basically alone.  Silent Night has been my favorite Christmas Hymn ever since my trip to Israel.  I was overcome with the thought that so many of my family were missing out.  Sitting in the middle of the church, I tried to record on my phone Dad singing this song.  It is such a special treasured moment for me.  

Dad would lay in his chair and listen to the Christmas music channel for hours and sing with the TV.  Dad's now singing with the Heavenly host of angels this Christmas. I have had trouble listening to Christmas Carols.

A friend sent me laser cut holographic ornaments of Dad for his first Christmas in Heaven.  Not only did he make one for me but also for my siblings.  He also put the image of Dad on a picture frame and inside is the following poem.  Thank you, Randy, for making this first Christmas without Dad special.

My First Christmas in Heaven
by Unknown
 
I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow
 
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.
 
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
 
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
 
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
 
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
 
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.
 
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.
 
Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love
He has for each of you.
 
So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
 

This Christmas has been hard for me.  Not only is this the first Christmas without Dad but Derrick & family are gone for a week for a holiday vacation.  I am taking care of 3 dogs and the water for all the cattle.  That is no big deal except the weather got to -14 degrees with a 41 below zero wind chill.  Normally Dad would have been doing chores and feeding cattle also and I would have been helping him to make it easier for him.  This year I am doing it alone with a hired man feeding.  Ice on top of the tank was the hardest part.  It took an ax to chop it.   When it is that cold the 4 wheeler would not start so I used my car to go up & down the hill to do chores and to spend time with Mom.  I am grateful that my car is working this week instead of being dead disabled and in the shop as it was the week before.  With the weather their flights have been cancelled so they will be a couple more days away.  The weather is warming up now and that makes it all easier.  This makes me miss Dad all the more.  I always enjoyed working with him and spending time with him like that.

Love you, Daddy!  Merry Christmas

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."  Isaiah 9:6 

Rose

Wood Smoke

 It has now been 7 months since the death of my Dad.  Yesterday was another 'first'.  I walked out the front door to go to Mom's and could smell wood smoke.  I burst into tears.

When I was in high school Dad built a wood burning stove in the basement.  I loved winter nights when I would come home from a date or other event, the stove was burning and the smell of the wood smoke from the stove smelled so good to me.  It was the 'Welcome Home' smell-home is my safe place smell.  

When Dad & Mom built their underground house on the farm in the late 70's, their only heat was an Ashley wood burning stove.  In the fall Mom would have a "dragon party".  All the kids and grandkids came to the farm and would drag wood to Dad who cut it on the buzz saw.  Mom made chili and cinnamon rolls.  It was again the safe, welcome home smell I loved.  

Almost 16 years ago I moved to the farm.  I have a wood stove in my basement and would burn wood a lot and only use the furnace at night as the house cooled off.  Every day in the winter as I would walk out of my house I could smell that smoke from Dad's stove.  That smell of home!  

The past few years as Dad had more trouble cutting wood, I would not use any that the kids or grandkids cut for him.  I would only use wood I helped him gather and cut.  Last fall Dad and my brothers put a furnace in their living room so they would have heat even if they didn't cut wood.  

The last I smelled that home smoke smell was in early April before Dad got sick.  He would burn it in the morning to take the chill off the house.  As he became weaker he liked the house warmer also.  This fall was so different as I would head down the hill to Mom's and not smell that constant smell of wood smoke.  

Yesterday Derrick was burning his fireplace and the smell of wood smoke really hit me when I walked out of the door to go to Mom's house.  Oh, how I have missed that smell.  Only now it was not that safe feel of home because Dad is not here burning that wood.  It was a tough time for a while as the memories flooded in on me.  Oh, Daddy, I miss you.

Today as I spent time with Mom, she said it seemed she was so short of breath.  Just to visit seemed to wear her out.  She seems weaker and didn't even really talk much.  She napped off and on in her chair.  Her eyes are rimmed in red almost like bruises and look sunken just like Grandma Schwarz's eyes were before she passed away.  Is this a sign that her time is getting shorter-leaving this mortal existence coming sooner rather than later?  She even talked about maybe she should see her doctor, Amanda.  Mom has an appointment for blood work the week before Christmas and a doctor appointment the week after Christmas.  It is just 2 weeks away but do I need to take her in sooner?  My heart breaks for her.  To be honest maybe it is breaking for myself also.  

Every day Mom askes me if her momma has died.  What about her daddy?  My dad?  She asks about all of her brothers and sisters.  Of the 10 children there is only Mom, Sister Rita, and Phyllis still living.  Dad's family of 10 children, there is only Rita, Bud (Melvin), and Sister Carolyn living.   

My Dear Loving Heavenly Father,

I pray with gratitude for all the many blessings you have given to me and to my family.  I am grateful for each and every day I have had with my parents and being able to serve, love and honor them.  I pray for my mother as she has trouble remembering and suffers from multiple terminal illnesses at the same time.  I pray for the peace and comfort of the Savior that comes through the gift of the Holy Ghost.  I am grateful for the Savior making an atoning sacrifice, taking upon himself all sins and trials and tribulations of mankind - for me.  He suffered and died for me.  He overcame death for me.  I pray for forgiveness of my sins. Thank you for your love.

I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Rose

6 months

Dad died 6 months ago yesterday.  I had a dream that he was in yesterday morning.  

The dream:  I had car trouble and Dad is no longer there to help me so I have to figure it out myself.  I had pulled out the radiator and needed to flush it out and refill it.  I needed to see some writing on the top but needed more light to read it.  I turned on the switch for light on the west side of the barn but it turned on a light on the south side.  How did Dad have it wired?  I was frustrated and asked him about it.  He told me there is no way it would do that.  I made a bet with him that I was right and if so he had to help me fix the car.  If I was wrong, I'd fix it myself.  He flipped the switch and the light turned on at the south side of the barn.  He looked at it and said that is how it is supposed to work.  What?  Since when?  No matter, I had to fix my car myself because he was not really there any more.

I told Mom about the dream and we both cried.  Today we went to the bank and transferred some of the life insurance money from the checking account into a Certificate of Deposit.  Mom is sometimes finally realizing that all that is there is hers - not Dad's anymore.  Then she has  a "thought"  to run by me.  It is always a different kind of thought but today it was turning one of the bedrooms into a "Girl" room just for the two of us and nobody else.  As I ask questions trying to understand her random thoughts that are all over the place, I make her mad.  She thinks I am saying that her ideas are no good.  That is not my intention but that is how she takes it.  Then we are frustrated with each other again.  Distraction-Pizza is ready to come out of the oven.

Lately another one of Mom's 'thoughts' is to have me build a storage bench the entire width of the porch that she can put all her plants on.  She has not wanted to even put her plants on the porch at all this year let alone get any new flowers.  So--to distract her I decided to paint the treadle sewing machine table that is on the porch to spruce up the look.  I then decided to fix and paint the broken hard wood rocker to match the table.  While I'm at it I thought about also painting the glider love seat.  One day while I was painting, Mom had a 'thought' that I should paint the glider, too.  No problem - I can do that!  Dad had built a box out of old pallet wood with a lot of staples and nails in it.  I painted it also to use as a planter box so maybe Mom will use that instead having me build beyond my abilities for a place for plants.  I finished the painting yesterday.  Her next 'thought' is that I should paint the window frames.  As I was scraping the frames and ledges, I discovered the caulking is so dried up and pulled away so it is not doing any good and needed to be redone.  I bought caulk today and hope to do that tomorrow before I can paint.  I know we are running out of nice weather before it gets too cold.   This afternoon she 'thought' I should now paint the posts that hold up Derrick's deck and the wood that is on top of the block half wall that is the edge of her porch.  That one I am not sure of yet!

Today I covered a cushion for the glider and plan to cover one for the rocker tomorrow.  Here are a few pictures.  

            

I am not as handy as I'd like to be and miss Dad's help and knowledge.  I try.

A couple weeks ago my car battery finally died.  It is the original battery from when the car was built.  It is a 2011 model with 109,000 miles.  I knew it was coming.  I could not get a new battery and change it myself because of it's location and no vehicle to use to go to town to buy one anyway.  Dad is not here to help me.   He does not have a battery charger any longer.  The only one on the farm is Derrick's and it is in his shop which I have been banned from stepping into and he has made it clear that he will not help me.  I was not able to use any of their vehicles to jump start the car with and Mom's car battery is dead also.  The only thing I had was the Massimo 4-wheeler.  I didn't now if it would jump start the car and the guy from Orscheln's laughed when I asked and said "Good Luck".  I do have my own set of jumper cables.  I got out the car owners manual and followed the directions once I finally found the battery on the 4-wheeler.  Oh, my goodness, it worked!!  I got to Colby 1 hour before Great Western Tire closed on that Saturday.  They did not have the correct battery on hand because it is under the driver wheel well instead of under the hood.  The only place to get a different battery had closed 30 minutes ago but someone was still in the store and agreed to sell them a battery.  So grateful!  I asked it this battery will last as well as the old one did and they laughed at me also.  I didn't think I was so funny.  I said I'd be back in a couple weeks.  I'm sure I'll need a tire fixed again soon.  

Miss you, Daddy! I love you.

Rose

Happy birthday, Daddy!

 Today is Dad's 87th birthday--His first in Heaven.  

Judy put together a video of Dad's life and posted it on our family Facebook page today in tribute of him.  This is the post:

Dad would have been 87 today. Throughout his life, he taught us all and gave us all many things but the greatest gift that he and mom gave was the gift of faith and family. Please enjoy this tribute video as we all wish him a Happy Birthday in heaven. Thanks to everyone who shared their photos for this video. Happy Birthday Dad!

I guess Facebook blocked most of the music. Here's the youtube link to watch directly. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-dfOOj_TlY

The video was so well done, Judy. Thank you. It brought tears and memories.

As I watched the video I see many pictures that I had taken of Dad. It is a great representation of Dad. He loved to dance as you can see by so many of the pictures. He used to whistle all the time-especially as he worked. I think it was a subconscious thing that he didn't even realize at times that he was doing. He also loved music and loved to sing. He loved his farm and his family. Dad would do anything for anyone. Dad could do anything and everything. He was such a smart man whose brain worked differently than most people. He could see in his head and talk anyone through fixing something he had not even seen just by listening to the sound and the explanation given over the phone. When I'd ask him for information on how to do something, he would give me 18 different ways to do it which only confused me. I always needed his help.

I loved working with Dad whether it was checking cattle, fixing fence or hooking up equipment. I learned to drive a couple of his tractors so I could at least help him as he worked with them. I never drove pulling equipment in the field, though. I loved working with him and learned so much from him when we remodeled the basement in my Colby house or building an addition on my farmhouse. I'd watch him and help as I could as he worked on fencing, farm equipment, chasing or moving cattle, household appliances, wiring (even though I am scared of electricity), and construction.

I sure miss not having him around to spend time with and to ride the pastures with him. I miss working with him. I miss his stories even though they may be about someone that was old when he was young and who they were married to and who their parents & grandparents were. This didn't mean a thing to me but I would listen to his voice more than the story. I'd tell myself to just listen to his voice.

Happy birthday, Daddy. I miss you and love you with all my heart.

Rose