Dear Dad,
Tonight I celebrate your one year anniversary in
heaven. I miss you so much. This week has been a little bit hard for me
as I remember one year ago as you were sick, not able to eat or drink anything
and suffering in pain. I was trying to
do all I could to help you be more comfortable and well cared for. I was trying to care for Mom and to have her
spending as much time with you as possible in your last days on earth. It rained so hard that last day and the night
you passed through to the other side of eternity. You were seeing beautiful clouds that
night. All seven of your children were
with you and Mom that afternoon in a meeting trying to get you home with
Hospice. You wanted so much to be home
and in your tractor again. God has a
plan for each of us and He knew your time was short and that would not happen
like you envisioned.
I remember that night you left us. When I was ready to take Mom home for the
night, there were so many people in the room with you. She kissed you on the forehead and told you
she would love you forever. I squeezed
your foot and told you I love you and said goodbye, not knowing yet suspecting
that would be my last words to you. You
told me you loved me too. That is such a
precious moment for me.
Driving home in the pouring rain I was thanking you for it
and cursing the mud at the same time. We
have not had any really good rain since that night. Could you send some more moisture. We really need it.
When I got home that night, I sat in my car not able to go
into the house yet and prayed with all my heart for you and that God would not
allow you to suffer in so much pain for long.
I prayed God’s will be done, not my will because I did not want you to
leave us yet I did not want you to suffer either.
You always said you wanted to die on your tractor and we
should just dig a hole, kick you out and cover you up in the field. NO FLOWERS
was always your demand. We did try to
fulfill as many of your wishes as we could for you with your funeral. Derrick
and Layne gave you your last tractor ride from the church to the cemetery. You had to wear your suit in the casket
because Mom said you were going to a nice place so had to wear your nice
clothes. You were covered with a quilt
made from your old overalls and jeans for that last ride. You were placed in the hole and all your
grandkids, great-grandkids and even one sweet little great-great granddaughter all
put a handful of your field dirt over your casket. You had no flowers except one single iris
that bloomed overnight in Kassie’s flower bed.
Yes, your funeral was different from most in those ways but it all was
so fitting for you.
You have blessed my life.
I have been blessed to be living
on your family farm and to be able to spend time with you every day for 15
years. I was so sick and you encouraged
me to move here to heal and to help you and Mom as you needed more help. I loved going out with you to check cattle,
fix fences, work on tractors and implements as another hand, and work with you on
anything that needed fixed. I have
always said I had direct access to you through what I called my special calling
card - 1-800-Call-Dad. You fixed
everything for me all my life. I have
now had to figure out fix-it problems for myself. I learned so much from you but surely not
enough, yet I try. I was blessed to be
able to spend the night with you in the rehab center just a few nights before
you left us. Neither one of us got any
sleep that night but we had that whole night together. We talked all night. You were in so much pain and I could not fix
it for you. That broke my heart. That night will always be a special memory
and blessing for me also.
In the year you have been gone, there have been some
changes. I am still blessed to live on
the farm and to be with Mom every day.
As her dementia has worsened, I have spent more time with her. I now spend day and night with Mom and have
some help from the others also. The doctor feels it is time to place Mom in
memory care in a nursing facility for her safety. There is also some concern
for my own health. I believe it is
getting too much for us to handle alone and that I may not be what is for Mom’s
best care. My head can accept this at
times but my heart is fighting back hard.
Mom is much calmer when someone is with her all the time as long as it
is one at a time. I feel like I am
letting both of you down if she has to be placed away from her own home. Oh, Dad, it is so sad to watch her not know
that this is her home or where her bedroom is or even where the bathroom is at
times. I will do all I can to honor your
wisher and help Mom and be with Mom and love her with all my heart.
By the way, we finally got your headstone placed in
March. I hope it is what you had in mind
and that you like it. Mom and I went out this afternoon. As you can see there is a package of candy in front. Macie leaves candy for you. You can also see your parents headstone in the background.
I love you, Daddy. I miss you. I celebrate you. Thank you for being my daddy.
Your loving first born little girl (that is all grown up),
Rose
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