This blog is my way of journaling and to sort out all that is going on in my life, in my head, and in my heart. As I write I get more clarity and can examine my feelings about all that is happening. It is not meant as a way to gain followers or to promote myself in any way. I have always journaled. I know a blog is out there in some internet cloud for anyone to find and read but that is not my goal here. If by some chance you have found this and actually take the time to read all my ramblings I hope that something I say may mean something to you, help you in some way, or you get to know a little more about me as a person.
One year ago today Dad called me first thing in the morning asking me to take him to the hospital. He had not been feeling well for a few months. He had trouble eating and drinking without chocking and spiting up everything. I had taken him to the doctor (with his agreement) because he seemed to have so much phlegm and thought he might have pneumonia. He was treated with antibiotics and steroids twice in the past two months. I had to fight with the doctor to admit him since he could not get any food or drink down. He had lost around 50 pounds over the last six months. This hospitalization began the last 3 weeks of his life. I know this crazy emotional state of fighting tears all the time is because of another 'first'. The next three weeks will be very hard for me because I am the one that was with him every day let alone all day every day once he went into the hospital. All those feelings from that time are more incense now because at the time I was taking care of everything for his best care, everything for Mom's care, keeping family informed, dealing with everyone else's emotions. My emotions at the time were in taking care of business mode, knowing Dad may not be alive by morning. I treasure the night I spent at the Rehab Center with him. It was a hard night because he was in so much pain and so weak yet we talked all night. Neither one of us slept at all. Over the next few weeks I will have a lot of 'first' emotions to deal with. I am now beginning the grieving process because I have not taken the time to feel anything over the past year.
The past few months Mom has become more confused especially in the afternoon and evenings. I had been going home mid afternoon leaving her to herself for the late afternoon and evening. I would leave something for her to heat up for supper. She has always been able to stay home alone even at night. I have changed the time I have stayed with her. I now stay from the time I get up and around in the morning, fix and eat lunch and supper with her so that she will eat, then go home as she is getting ready for bed. This is usually 8-10 hours a day. I have only spent the night at her house one night. I ask her every night if she wants me to stay because she becomes so anxious and almost a little scared and paranode. She tells me no or tells me to go home. She doesn't remember where her bedroom is but as we walk back to it, she then remembers because there is her 'stuff'. Mom is confused as to this being home and wants to go home (her childhood home). She wants to call her parents or brothers to come get her to take her home since "Rose won't do it". She thinks there are little kids around all the time or that there are transient men needing a place to stay. I check all the rooms for her to make sure everyone is gone before I leave. She sees and talks to parents or her brothers and especially her oldest sister, MaryAnn. Her mind is mostly in an unreal state and knows Dad died but her stories of things that happened while I was not there are conversations with Dad or something Dad did a little bit ago, or where the little kids are that were just here while I "was running around with my friends" and not coming "home" at night. The porch light is on waiting for me every morning when I go to her house. She has no concept of light means day and dark means night. She calls me very early in the morning some days wanting to know where I am because nobody has come to see her all day. Mom it is still dark and night and ok to go back to bed. She got ahold of my brother by playing with the phone thinking it was the tv remote. She thought she was talking to Dad. She told him she knew he died but wanted him to know what has happened since then and ask him what she should do about different things. My sweet brother talked to her as if he were Dad in her conversation. Physically Mom is doing well overall considering she is dealing with breast cancer, congestive heart failure, and kidney disease that all take a teeter-totter balancing act with meds for one to not cause more problems with another.
The last 2 weeks I have completely fallen apart emotionally. I feel like I had been treading water trying to keep afloat but suddenly felt like I was covered up and drowning. When Karen got here a couple weeks ago I broke down like I have not in years except for the night I got home from the hospital before Dad died later that night. With Karen here I got basically 3 days to myself to watch General Conference, clean all the mouse turds out of my kitchen cabinets, and file my taxes. It was so nice to have that break. Judy calls Mom every day to check in. I do not really get much of a break when the other girls come out because it is an couple hours and I don't always get to go home during that time. Judy has been so good about taking Mom's calls when she believes I am lying to her.
I have talked with Mom about her two options (staying in her home with my help or going to a care facility) and she is ok with a care facility but does not think it is time yet. I honestly do not feel she is at a point that she needs it since she can stay along at times during the day and at nights yet. I am not needed 24/7 yet although I am just a phone call away and 2 minutes to grab clothes & get down the hill. If it were not for the stress on me and the trouble I have with stress and anxiety issues anyway causing other health issues again, I'd want to still have her at home. That has always been my goal.
STRESS: By the end of the day, my stress level is high and we both become crabby & snappy with each other. It that just mother/daughter relationships? Is it her fidgeting with stuff constantly that over taxes my senses? Is it her asking the same questions over and over because her mind is not clear any longer? Is it me feeling I have so much I need to do in my own home and for myself and not any time to do it? I do not know why I feel so much stress.
FATIGUE: Due to the stress I do not sleep well. I stay up later and later at night to feel like I am actually in my home and have a little time to myself. Yet I am so mentally fatigued that I do not feel like doing anything but sitting in front of the tv, computer or phone and sometimes all three at once. When I do go to bed I do not sleep very well and wake up tired. By the time I get around and down to Mom's I feel worn out already. Before when the stress got so bad I was only sleeping about 3 hours a day/night and never continually. I do not want it to get to that point again.
FRUSTRATION: As the day goes on Mom's memory gets worse-Sundowners Syndrome. She has started telling me some fantastic story about the "people that were just here" but then can't remember what she was telling me in the middle. She also is having more trouble finding words. She gets frustrated with herself, I get frustrated with myself, we both get frustrated with each other. She is having more temper outbursts and throws things across the room when she thinks I said something that made her mad when what she tells me I said was nothing in any conversation we had been having and nothing that I had said to her. She thinks I tell her something so off the mark and she gets mad. I seem to get mad back when I feel unjustly accused. I hate it when I feel and act that way. Then I am frustrated with myself and feel guilty for upsetting her and snapping at her. I know it is the disease and not my mother so why can't I control my own emotions better?
GUILT: These are my problems, not Mom's. I feel that if we do put Mom in a care facility at this stage, I have failed her and Dad both. I feel guilty for thinking of my needs instead more of her needs. I tell myself that I am thinking of what is better for her over what I can do for her. I feel guilty because I wonder who am I really thinking more about. I know in my head these feelings of guilt are irrational but in my heart I still feel them. Guilt, guilt, guilt. How do I get past these feelings of guilt?
HEALTH: I had been doing some physical therapy for back pain from muscle tightness. It was not helping at all so Friday I talked with my therapist about the stress and tension that I feel is the cause since nothing we have done has helped. Basically I am about to the emotional collapse that I was when I had to quit working permanently at Service Oil. My body is so tight from tension and I have been having headaches by the middle of the day. Blood pressure and blood sugar have not been too bad. The therapist talked to the hospital social worker, Kelly, and she called me later that day. I wanted to know what the process was if we should decide to place Mom in a care center rather than keeping her at home. I have talked to my sisters and they all think that it is getting too much for me alone but they can not help me so I can get some breaks on the weekends. Karen is the only one that has come out and stayed several days at a time. Mary is having Mom come to stay at her house in Colby this coming weekend so I can go to Alex's wedding in Kansas City. They are not opposed in any way to beginning the process to have her placed in a care facility. My brothers do not oppose either. Allen has said he will go along with whatever I think is best and Kevin has felt that the time has been coming for a long time.
BLESSINGS: Oh, but the blessings are tremendous. I have been at the farm for 16 years seeing my parents every day and the past year since Dad died I have been spending most all day every day with Mom. Moving to the farm allowed me to heal from the the physical and mental collapse at Service Oil. I have had the chance to better know my parents for the people they are & not just as a girl sees her parents. Being able to serve, love and honor my parents has been such a blessing. I can not express how grateful I am for the time I have had with them nor how they have blessed me life. I am so grateful to my Savior Jesus Christ for the love he and Heavenly Father have for me. He made an atoning sacrifice for my sins, suffered all pains and trials, and tribulations in order to know how to help me, died and was resurrected so we all can be resurrected again. I know I will be sealed to my parents one day. I am grateful for the comforting and guiding presence of the Holy Ghost in my life. God is so good.
On top of all else, my dad's oldest sister, Rita (age 99) passed away Sunday. That means 6 of the 10 children for Fred & Rose Juenemann have passed away in 3 years and 2 weeks. 2 passed away earlier and now only 2 are still living. Rita's funeral is Friday morning and I am going to Kansas City from the funeral for my nephew's wedding. I am looking forward to a few days away.
I also have missionaries coming tomorrow to the farm to do some projects around the house and yard to help me. I am grateful for these young men. I cooked today making a casserole and peach crisp for them. They can freeze it and have anytime when they do not have dinner appointments. I still need to find some more items to have ready for tomorrows work. Better get looking.
Good night.
Rose
