Happy Thankasgiving

 Happy Thanksgiving Mom & Dad. This is the first major holiday that you have been together in Heaven. I miss you so much. I have spent the past two years of Thanksgiving, Christmas & Easter with you, Mom,  in the nursing facility.  I wanted to spend every moment I could with you and to make special memories of the tender moments we still had together.  For some reason the grief of missing you has begun to set in.  I miss you both every day but for this holiday it has really set in the emotions of grief and gratitude.

The grief is all about me but the gratitude is all about you. 8 years ago we did not think you would be with us for Christmas that year.  Yes, your children "ram rodded" you to the hospital ER to be checked out. That was when it was discovered that you were in AFib, had congestive heart failure, breast cancer, kidney disease and dementia. The doctors told us that usually patients do not live more than 5 years with all you had going on. Well, you showed them! 

I am grateful, Mom and Dad, you gave me a place to heal and the chance to spend much more time with you and helping you.  You helped me so much to be able to do that.  It was a blessing to me to live on the farm, a blessing to get my own health back in some sort of control and a blessing to help you as your health failed with age. Dad, we expected Mom to leave us long before you would leave us.  You showed us! 

I am grateful for the past 18 years of living on the family farm and being able to spend so much time with both of you. I am grateful for your trust in me to care for you, help with all your medical, financial, business, and trust needs.  I am grateful, Dad, for all I learned from you - the time I spent with you helping build fence, chase cattle, catch and tag baby calves, hook up farm equipment to the tractors, work on equipment, drive a tractor however shaky and jerky I was at it, cutting wood, and building an addition onto the north house. I am grateful, Mom, for all the time we spent together sewing & quilting, going to town weather it be Selden, Colby, Denver or Wichita, allowing me to be with you and your sisters and to get to know each of you as women from the perspective of an adult woman myself rather than that of a child.  I am grateful to have been able to travel with you.  Mom & Dad traveled differently and I am grateful to have been able to travel with each of you separately and the adventure of traveling with you both together.  When I travel now I remember with a chuckle the 30 minute 'quick' potty stops, hour long 'quick' McDonalds breakfast spent people watching, and the constant monolog about each field and crop we drove by along our route.

There is so much more that I have learned from you & so much more I am grateful to you for. I can not begin to express it all.  Please know that I treasure the time I was able to spend together with both of you individually and together.  I love you always! 

Now I have all the 'taking care of business' mostly finished. The storage building we rented to put all your stuff in so your house could be remodeled is now empty.  I do have some things in my garage to go through and find a home for. I have some quilts to finish that Judy wants to donate to Prairie Senior Living Complex in memory of you, Mom. Derrick had your house remodeled and had me move into it.  I am grateful to still have a home on the family farm. 

Now I need to figure out what the new chapter in my own life will look like. I do not yet know what God's plan is for me.  I am getting ready to start a program in hopes of finding myself and my purpose in life at this stage. 

I am so grateful for you as my parents - your love, the way you raised me, your support, your encouragement, and even your discipline when needed that made me a better person.  I miss you more than I can say.  I love you in a way only a heart knows and understands.

Till we meet again,  

Rose

6 months later

 Hi Mom. 

I miss you so much.  It has ben six months now since you left earth to travel back to your true home.  My heart is filled with joy for you.

I have all the insurance & trust work done.  Now all I have left is the tax return after the first of the year.  Thank you, Mom & Dad, for loving me and trusting me. Thank you for giving me the chance to heal myself.  Thank you for allowing me to help you over the past 18 years.  Spending all that time with you means the world to me.  I was privileged to have that time to get to know both of you an a whole other dominion that the rest of my siblings did not have with you.  I am the lucky one, spoiled maybe a little, blessed beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  

I have so many precious memories of our time together.  As the dementia progressed it was hard on everyone but I can't imagine how it must have been for you.  I'm sorry I could not understand and did not know how to travel this with you.  We both were frustrated at times and would get angry at times but I always knew there was so much love and tenderness between us.  We had a special relationship.

The decision to move you to Prairie Senior Living Complex was not easy.  It turned out to be best for all of us.  I could not give you the care that you needed and to the extent it became.  They were so good to you and loved you as if you were their family too.  I was allowed to be your daughter again and not the caregiver.

The talks we had about everything & anything  are special treasured moments.  As things progressed you still always knew who I was.  To see your eyes light up and your smile when I would walk down the hall to visit you always made my day.  I loved spending time together cutting quilt blocks and sewing three quilt tops, the days we would play bingo, and just being together.

When your Vulvar cancer came back with a vengeance and you became so much weaker and in much more pain so suddenly, it was very hard on your body. The dementia which was already in a bad spot grew even worse. When it became clear that it was time to make some decisions as to how to proceed that would be best for you, I knew what your wishes for end of life were.  We had talked about it a lot over the years since your first cancer in the early 1980's. We even talked about it as the time approached when you had some very clear moments.  What was the best for you was to control your pain the best way possible.  We wanted to keep you as comfortable as possible.  Mom, I really struggled with accepting that the time had come and if what we were doing was the right thing. I knew the outcome of the high powered pain drugs.  As medical power of attorney I was the one to make the final decision after talking with the doctor.  I talked to my church spiritual leader and received a priesthood blessing to have the wisdom and the strength to do what was right and to get through what was to come.  In that blessing I was told that I was right with God and all was well.  I knew that meant that God was about to take you home.  You would be reunited with Dad. You could be reunited with your Heavenly Father and with Jesus Christ, your Savior.  

I do not know how aware you were as to what was happening around you during the the last weeks of your life on earth but I pray that you now have full knowledge and know my heart.  Words can not express my feelings but heart to heart and spirit to spirit you know.

I love you, Mom. Keep flying with the angels.  Give Dad a hug from me.

I will love you both always!

Rose

PS: There is more I want to write about as a way of memories and healing.  There will me more letters to you soon.  Love you and miss you! Bye!

New Chapters

 One month ago today my mother passed away - April 22, 2025.  She has been battling for nearly 8 years with breast cancer, congestive heart failure, kidney disease, vulver cancer, and dementia.  

June 23, 2023 Mom moved into Prairie Senior Living Complex just one year after Dad passed away.  I tried to keep Mom at home as long as possible.  I ended up staying with her 24/7 for the most part for that year.  I felt guilty that I could not keep her at home.  Dad did so much more than I ever dreamed to keep Mom safe at home.  

Prairie Senior Living Complex was a blessing for all of us.  The staff was so kind, caring, and compassionate.  It was not just to her but to all residents.  Mom enjoyed their activities until her body got too weak and her memory got so much worse.  

I wanted to write today as a way of dealing with her death but I am not ready to tear open my heart right now.  But I do want to say that both  Mom & I are starting new chapters in our lives.  Mom is flying with the angels while I need to learn how to fly on my own.  

Life flipped upside down for me 19 years ago when I had to quit full time work.  It flipped again when Dad & Mom asked me to move to the farm so I could live a simpler and quieter lifestyle so I could heal and I could be with them as they needed more help as they aged.  One year later Mom had colon cancer.  

I have been on the farm with Mom and Dad for 18 years. These years have been the biggest blessing in my life.  Right now I am not ready to dig deeper into this.  I have helped them with their business, finance, legal, tax, insurance, & medical.  I am still in that "taking care of business mode".  One day all that business will be done.  Then who is Rose? Not Rose from Colby Clinic or Rose from Service Oil or Rose the caregiver to my parents.  I will need to figure out who this Rose is that is all alone. What do I want to do and who do I want to be are questions I need to process.  

After four weeks of company, I am finally alone this week.  I do not go to Colby to see Mom 3-4 days each week. I have more time at home.  Karen & I worked in the quilt room and in the storage building while she was here.  I have slept late this week and done trust paperwork and insurance paperwork.  All thank you notes are sent and I have just a few late donations to deposit. 

I have called a place in Colby to try to begin counseling but either nobody is there when I stop by and I get a busy signal or answering machine on the phone.  They have not returned my call.  I had gone earlier after Dad's death to a counselor at the clinic but we were not a good fit.  I hope to find a counselor that is a good fit to help me with the grieving process and personal discovery.  Right now I am doing ok. 

I Love You, Momma. Fly with the angels!

Rose