6 months later

 Hi Mom. 

I miss you so much.  It has ben six months now since you left earth to travel back to your true home.  My heart is filled with joy for you.

I have all the insurance & trust work done.  Now all I have left is the tax return after the first of the year.  Thank you, Mom & Dad, for loving me and trusting me. Thank you for giving me the chance to heal myself.  Thank you for allowing me to help you over the past 18 years.  Spending all that time with you means the world to me.  I was privileged to have that time to get to know both of you an a whole other dominion that the rest of my siblings did not have with you.  I am the lucky one, spoiled maybe a little, blessed beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  

I have so many precious memories of our time together.  As the dementia progressed it was hard on everyone but I can't imagine how it must have been for you.  I'm sorry I could not understand and did not know how to travel this with you.  We both were frustrated at times and would get angry at times but I always knew there was so much love and tenderness between us.  We had a special relationship.

The decision to move you to Prairie Senior Living Complex was not easy.  It turned out to be best for all of us.  I could not give you the care that you needed and to the extent it became.  They were so good to you and loved you as if you were their family too.  I was allowed to be your daughter again and not the caregiver.

The talks we had about everything & anything  are special treasured moments.  As things progressed you still always knew who I was.  To see your eyes light up and your smile when I would walk down the hall to visit you always made my day.  I loved spending time together cutting quilt blocks and sewing three quilt tops, the days we would play bingo, and just being together.

When your Vulvar cancer came back with a vengeance and you became so much weaker and in much more pain so suddenly, it was very hard on your body. The dementia which was already in a bad spot grew even worse. When it became clear that it was time to make some decisions as to how to proceed that would be best for you, I knew what your wishes for end of life were.  We had talked about it a lot over the years since your first cancer in the early 1980's. We even talked about it as the time approached when you had some very clear moments.  What was the best for you was to control your pain the best way possible.  We wanted to keep you as comfortable as possible.  Mom, I really struggled with accepting that the time had come and if what we were doing was the right thing. I knew the outcome of the high powered pain drugs.  As medical power of attorney I was the one to make the final decision after talking with the doctor.  I talked to my church spiritual leader and received a priesthood blessing to have the wisdom and the strength to do what was right and to get through what was to come.  In that blessing I was told that I was right with God and all was well.  I knew that meant that God was about to take you home.  You would be reunited with Dad. You could be reunited with your Heavenly Father and with Jesus Christ, your Savior.  

I do not know how aware you were as to what was happening around you during the the last weeks of your life on earth but I pray that you now have full knowledge and know my heart.  Words can not express my feelings but heart to heart and spirit to spirit you know.

I love you, Mom. Keep flying with the angels.  Give Dad a hug from me.

I will love you both always!

Rose

PS: There is more I want to write about as a way of memories and healing.  There will me more letters to you soon.  Love you and miss you! Bye!