You are not "MY" Rose

 March has been eventful over the past 3 weeks.  March 1 I turned 66 years old.  Happy birthday to me. I do not like pictures of myself but decided to celebrate the day with something to remember.  

The day was spent with Mom who only wanted to argue with me because we were planning to leave the farm for a couple days to go to a funeral and she thought I should go by myself or find someone else to go with me.  At one point she told me I was not going to win this one but I did afterall.

The next day we left to spend the night in Beloit for my cousin's funeral the following morning.  We drove through Hill City and drove by the house I grew up in and Mom & Dad ran their business "Jerry's Radio and TV" from the home.  She has no memory of that time at all.  She was completely baffled about it.  We drove around the block so many times and stopped in the street looking so much that the woman came out to see if we were lost and if she could help us.  We explained to her that we had owned the house and are the family they purchased it from.  She was so sweet but I felt bad that we had made her nervous.  I was surprised she had not called the police.  Only in a small town would you go out to see if people loitering outside your house needed something on your own.  

Jim Long is the first of my generation of cousins on the Juenemann side to pass away.  Jim was a month younger than me.  All my cousins were so great to Mom as they all came up to her at one time or another with hugs and little visit.  After each one Mom would look at me and ask who that was.  She did know her sister's kids (at least knew they were MaryAnn's even if she was not sure who's name was whose).  They all know her situation and is one of only a very few aunts left in the family.  

After being gone for two days Mom did have a rough time with more confusion.  Whenever we are gone she doesn't know where home is.  Being back in her own house on the farm does not seem like home to her.  Yet, all her things are there so it must be home.  The next week all she wanted to do was have someone take her 'home'.  The only thing I can figure out is that 'home' to her is the farm house that she grew up in by Angelus as a child.  She struggles to understand that her Mom & Dad have died then asks about each of her siblings as well.  There are only 3 of the 10 children still living - Sister Rita, Mom and Phyllis Jean.  

Mom knows Dad died but she 'forgets' and is waiting for him to come in for supper.  She has called me to check on him thinking he must be working in the shed.  Then while talking to me she remembers, "Oh, I guess he won't be coming in.  Daddy died."

I had been going to Mom's in the mornings when I got up and around, fixed and ate lunch with her, did any household chores that needed done, then would go home 3-4 pm so she had some time to herself.  I began to notice that she was more confused in the late afternoon and evenings by the phone calls.  I decided I needed to stay and have supper with her as well then leave when she said she wanted to go to bed.  Now I'm usually there from around 10 am to 7-8 pm.  She is getting ready for bed when I leave.  Of course she actually does not always go to bed then.  A few nights she has called me later in the evening thinking someone is coming and has not arrived yet but she wants to go to bed or she is waiting for someone to come get her and take her home.  She has packed up all kind of random things that she wants to take home with her.  There are no clothes but just random things that make no sense together.  She called me at 5:30 the other morning saying she tired and asked it it was too early to go to bed since Dad has not come to take her home yet.  She thought it was evening instead of morning.  Mom is losing her sense of day and night based on light and dark along with time of day.  She wants to feed me even if we just ate lunch and got the dishes done.  Feeding the family is what she did for 66 years..  She doesn't cook anymore and rarely even puts leftovers in the microwave.  She was eating cereal, peanut butter or ice cream for supper if she even knew it was supper time.  

One day Mom was exceptionally confused.  She knew my name was Rose but not that I was her Rose.  When did that happen!!!?? Daddy & I never did anything like that! Why didn't we know about you?  You were never at family dinners or family reunions.  Do the other kids know about you?  You must be from Dad's other wife.  Did he know about you?  This went on and on for almost 3 hours with her walking out of the room mad because I was telling her things she did not believe then forgetting why she was mad but didn't remember what we had talked about and starting all over again.  All I can figure out is she must have been  thinking about her Dad and his first wife that passed away after the birth of their 5th baby & later married and they had her and 4 other babies but I was not a sibling of hers.  I was not hurt that she did not remember that I am her daughter but my heart breaks for her to be so confused and frustrated when she realizes she can't remember.

March 15th Dad & Mom's headstone was set up at the cemetery.  It looks good.  I took Mom out on Friday to see it.  

She walked up to it, looked at it and walked off to find her sister, MaryAnn's, grave.  As we were leaving the cemetery, she asked me where we were than asked if that is where Dad is buried.  "Then we need to she where he is", she'd say so we drove around the loop and back to Dad's grave.  "Oh, OK" and around the loop we'd go again with the same question and results.  We went to Leoville cemetery also to see her sister, Janis's grave also.  

Overall Mom and I are doing ok.  She seems more appreciative of me spending more time with her and I am glad to be there with her.  She caught me video recording her as she came into the kitchen to show me something.  She was so happy she found something in a book she thought I might like.  I loved seeing her happy and smiling and forgetting for a little bit she doesn't feel well.  I wanted to capture that expression and voice.  I have pictures of Dad but not really a recording other than the one of him singing "Silent Night" at Christmas Eve mass before he quit being song leader at church.  I wish I had more of his voice just talking to me about anything-cows, tractors or even the people he knew when he had his business in Hill City when I was a child.  It is hard to believe that Dad has been gone 10 1/2 months already.  Seems like yesterday and at the same time seems like so very long ago.  I sure miss him and know I will miss my mother as much when that day comes.  For now, I will enjoy every moment I have with her.

Rose

 

Health update

 I was in Wichita the first of the month for a 6 month checkup with the cardiologist after extremely high blood pressure last June.  All is well and I do not need to return for a year unless something else comes up.  

My other issue is that my feet are becoming misshapen and rocker bottom.  My doctor finally sent me to an orthopedic that specializes in feet disorders.  I have Charcot foot.  It is tiny broken bones in the feet that go unnoticed because of diabetic neuropathy.  I do not have bad neuropathy but because of the fibromyalgia pain in legs and feet just thought that was what was happening.  I was wearing walking boots on both feet at the same time for 7 weeks.  He also wanted me non-weight bearing but that was not possible for me at this time.  The untreated healed tiny broken bones have caused collapse of the feet and the rocker bottom and side bulging deformed shape.  I had to get special insoles shaped to my feet and diabetic shoes when I got out of the walking boots.  I am still trying to get them adjusted but can walk better in shoes than barefoot. The misshapen caused severe pain to walk. My balance is really messed up and there is concern for fall risk.  Everything else is going well.

Dad always told us that getting old is "the shits".  At 65 now I am beginning to believe him! 

 
Mom is struggling more with memory.  When Mary comes out she usually does not know who "that woman" is that is that came to see her and brought her things.  When are the boys coming home from school? She has been packing boxes and bags with such odds and ends that makes no sense to be ready to" go home" when someone will take her which in her mind is Angeles where she grew up .   Today she knew my name was Rose but she did not know I was her daughter Rose. Today she asked me if both of my parents were dead.  Most days she wants to know if I am coming home at night or am I "staying out all night with my friends again" when I come home to my own house.  Her bloodwork looks really good and her kidney functions are reduced but stable.  She is very short of breath and fatigued which well not improve because it is congestive heart failure that can not be treated surgically.  She does not want me around all the time but I spend most of the day with her then leave her alone late afternoon and night.  At this time she is able to do that but the day will come that I'll need to stay with her more even if she doesn't think so.  When I go home she will call me several times with the same question over and over.  At least I know she is ok when she calls me. 

My mental health from caregiving is ok.  I am exhausted mentally and physically and have little focus for my own housework and activities when I get home from Mom's.  When any of the other girls come out I try to stay home so I get a couple hour break and they get their own time with Mom for their own personal relationship without me always being involved.  When there is more than one person at a time, Mom gets overwhelmed and upset in general.  I am surviving at this time and am grateful to be able to spend time every day with her.  The day will come when I will not have that blessing and then I can focus on other things.  Now Mom is my priority and privilege and daily blessing.  I miss Dad but am grateful for the 15 years I lived on the farm and was able to see him every day also.

I take time each day to study the scriptures and stay close to the Lord.  He helps lift my burdens by taking them upon himself if I will turn to Him and let go to trust in Him.

Rose

First Christmas in Heaven

 Merry Christmas!

The last Christmas Eve Mass that Dad was song leader I was with Mom & Dad.  At communion time Dad was singing basically alone.  Silent Night has been my favorite Christmas Hymn ever since my trip to Israel.  I was overcome with the thought that so many of my family were missing out.  Sitting in the middle of the church, I tried to record on my phone Dad singing this song.  It is such a special treasured moment for me.  

Dad would lay in his chair and listen to the Christmas music channel for hours and sing with the TV.  Dad's now singing with the Heavenly host of angels this Christmas. I have had trouble listening to Christmas Carols.

A friend sent me laser cut holographic ornaments of Dad for his first Christmas in Heaven.  Not only did he make one for me but also for my siblings.  He also put the image of Dad on a picture frame and inside is the following poem.  Thank you, Randy, for making this first Christmas without Dad special.

My First Christmas in Heaven
by Unknown
 
I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow
 
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.
 
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
 
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.
 
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
 
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
 
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.
 
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.
 
Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love
He has for each of you.
 
So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
 

This Christmas has been hard for me.  Not only is this the first Christmas without Dad but Derrick & family are gone for a week for a holiday vacation.  I am taking care of 3 dogs and the water for all the cattle.  That is no big deal except the weather got to -14 degrees with a 41 below zero wind chill.  Normally Dad would have been doing chores and feeding cattle also and I would have been helping him to make it easier for him.  This year I am doing it alone with a hired man feeding.  Ice on top of the tank was the hardest part.  It took an ax to chop it.   When it is that cold the 4 wheeler would not start so I used my car to go up & down the hill to do chores and to spend time with Mom.  I am grateful that my car is working this week instead of being dead disabled and in the shop as it was the week before.  With the weather their flights have been cancelled so they will be a couple more days away.  The weather is warming up now and that makes it all easier.  This makes me miss Dad all the more.  I always enjoyed working with him and spending time with him like that.

Love you, Daddy!  Merry Christmas

"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace."  Isaiah 9:6 

Rose

Wood Smoke

 It has now been 7 months since the death of my Dad.  Yesterday was another 'first'.  I walked out the front door to go to Mom's and could smell wood smoke.  I burst into tears.

When I was in high school Dad built a wood burning stove in the basement.  I loved winter nights when I would come home from a date or other event, the stove was burning and the smell of the wood smoke from the stove smelled so good to me.  It was the 'Welcome Home' smell-home is my safe place smell.  

When Dad & Mom built their underground house on the farm in the late 70's, their only heat was an Ashley wood burning stove.  In the fall Mom would have a "dragon party".  All the kids and grandkids came to the farm and would drag wood to Dad who cut it on the buzz saw.  Mom made chili and cinnamon rolls.  It was again the safe, welcome home smell I loved.  

Almost 16 years ago I moved to the farm.  I have a wood stove in my basement and would burn wood a lot and only use the furnace at night as the house cooled off.  Every day in the winter as I would walk out of my house I could smell that smoke from Dad's stove.  That smell of home!  

The past few years as Dad had more trouble cutting wood, I would not use any that the kids or grandkids cut for him.  I would only use wood I helped him gather and cut.  Last fall Dad and my brothers put a furnace in their living room so they would have heat even if they didn't cut wood.  

The last I smelled that home smoke smell was in early April before Dad got sick.  He would burn it in the morning to take the chill off the house.  As he became weaker he liked the house warmer also.  This fall was so different as I would head down the hill to Mom's and not smell that constant smell of wood smoke.  

Yesterday Derrick was burning his fireplace and the smell of wood smoke really hit me when I walked out of the door to go to Mom's house.  Oh, how I have missed that smell.  Only now it was not that safe feel of home because Dad is not here burning that wood.  It was a tough time for a while as the memories flooded in on me.  Oh, Daddy, I miss you.

Today as I spent time with Mom, she said it seemed she was so short of breath.  Just to visit seemed to wear her out.  She seems weaker and didn't even really talk much.  She napped off and on in her chair.  Her eyes are rimmed in red almost like bruises and look sunken just like Grandma Schwarz's eyes were before she passed away.  Is this a sign that her time is getting shorter-leaving this mortal existence coming sooner rather than later?  She even talked about maybe she should see her doctor, Amanda.  Mom has an appointment for blood work the week before Christmas and a doctor appointment the week after Christmas.  It is just 2 weeks away but do I need to take her in sooner?  My heart breaks for her.  To be honest maybe it is breaking for myself also.  

Every day Mom askes me if her momma has died.  What about her daddy?  My dad?  She asks about all of her brothers and sisters.  Of the 10 children there is only Mom, Sister Rita, and Phyllis still living.  Dad's family of 10 children, there is only Rita, Bud (Melvin), and Sister Carolyn living.   

My Dear Loving Heavenly Father,

I pray with gratitude for all the many blessings you have given to me and to my family.  I am grateful for each and every day I have had with my parents and being able to serve, love and honor them.  I pray for my mother as she has trouble remembering and suffers from multiple terminal illnesses at the same time.  I pray for the peace and comfort of the Savior that comes through the gift of the Holy Ghost.  I am grateful for the Savior making an atoning sacrifice, taking upon himself all sins and trials and tribulations of mankind - for me.  He suffered and died for me.  He overcame death for me.  I pray for forgiveness of my sins. Thank you for your love.

I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Rose

6 months

Dad died 6 months ago yesterday.  I had a dream that he was in yesterday morning.  

The dream:  I had car trouble and Dad is no longer there to help me so I have to figure it out myself.  I had pulled out the radiator and needed to flush it out and refill it.  I needed to see some writing on the top but needed more light to read it.  I turned on the switch for light on the west side of the barn but it turned on a light on the south side.  How did Dad have it wired?  I was frustrated and asked him about it.  He told me there is no way it would do that.  I made a bet with him that I was right and if so he had to help me fix the car.  If I was wrong, I'd fix it myself.  He flipped the switch and the light turned on at the south side of the barn.  He looked at it and said that is how it is supposed to work.  What?  Since when?  No matter, I had to fix my car myself because he was not really there any more.

I told Mom about the dream and we both cried.  Today we went to the bank and transferred some of the life insurance money from the checking account into a Certificate of Deposit.  Mom is sometimes finally realizing that all that is there is hers - not Dad's anymore.  Then she has  a "thought"  to run by me.  It is always a different kind of thought but today it was turning one of the bedrooms into a "Girl" room just for the two of us and nobody else.  As I ask questions trying to understand her random thoughts that are all over the place, I make her mad.  She thinks I am saying that her ideas are no good.  That is not my intention but that is how she takes it.  Then we are frustrated with each other again.  Distraction-Pizza is ready to come out of the oven.

Lately another one of Mom's 'thoughts' is to have me build a storage bench the entire width of the porch that she can put all her plants on.  She has not wanted to even put her plants on the porch at all this year let alone get any new flowers.  So--to distract her I decided to paint the treadle sewing machine table that is on the porch to spruce up the look.  I then decided to fix and paint the broken hard wood rocker to match the table.  While I'm at it I thought about also painting the glider love seat.  One day while I was painting, Mom had a 'thought' that I should paint the glider, too.  No problem - I can do that!  Dad had built a box out of old pallet wood with a lot of staples and nails in it.  I painted it also to use as a planter box so maybe Mom will use that instead having me build beyond my abilities for a place for plants.  I finished the painting yesterday.  Her next 'thought' is that I should paint the window frames.  As I was scraping the frames and ledges, I discovered the caulking is so dried up and pulled away so it is not doing any good and needed to be redone.  I bought caulk today and hope to do that tomorrow before I can paint.  I know we are running out of nice weather before it gets too cold.   This afternoon she 'thought' I should now paint the posts that hold up Derrick's deck and the wood that is on top of the block half wall that is the edge of her porch.  That one I am not sure of yet!

Today I covered a cushion for the glider and plan to cover one for the rocker tomorrow.  Here are a few pictures.  

            

I am not as handy as I'd like to be and miss Dad's help and knowledge.  I try.

A couple weeks ago my car battery finally died.  It is the original battery from when the car was built.  It is a 2011 model with 109,000 miles.  I knew it was coming.  I could not get a new battery and change it myself because of it's location and no vehicle to use to go to town to buy one anyway.  Dad is not here to help me.   He does not have a battery charger any longer.  The only one on the farm is Derrick's and it is in his shop which I have been banned from stepping into and he has made it clear that he will not help me.  I was not able to use any of their vehicles to jump start the car with and Mom's car battery is dead also.  The only thing I had was the Massimo 4-wheeler.  I didn't now if it would jump start the car and the guy from Orscheln's laughed when I asked and said "Good Luck".  I do have my own set of jumper cables.  I got out the car owners manual and followed the directions once I finally found the battery on the 4-wheeler.  Oh, my goodness, it worked!!  I got to Colby 1 hour before Great Western Tire closed on that Saturday.  They did not have the correct battery on hand because it is under the driver wheel well instead of under the hood.  The only place to get a different battery had closed 30 minutes ago but someone was still in the store and agreed to sell them a battery.  So grateful!  I asked it this battery will last as well as the old one did and they laughed at me also.  I didn't think I was so funny.  I said I'd be back in a couple weeks.  I'm sure I'll need a tire fixed again soon.  

Miss you, Daddy! I love you.

Rose

Happy birthday, Daddy!

 Today is Dad's 87th birthday--His first in Heaven.  

Judy put together a video of Dad's life and posted it on our family Facebook page today in tribute of him.  This is the post:

Dad would have been 87 today. Throughout his life, he taught us all and gave us all many things but the greatest gift that he and mom gave was the gift of faith and family. Please enjoy this tribute video as we all wish him a Happy Birthday in heaven. Thanks to everyone who shared their photos for this video. Happy Birthday Dad!

I guess Facebook blocked most of the music. Here's the youtube link to watch directly. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-dfOOj_TlY

The video was so well done, Judy. Thank you. It brought tears and memories.

As I watched the video I see many pictures that I had taken of Dad. It is a great representation of Dad. He loved to dance as you can see by so many of the pictures. He used to whistle all the time-especially as he worked. I think it was a subconscious thing that he didn't even realize at times that he was doing. He also loved music and loved to sing. He loved his farm and his family. Dad would do anything for anyone. Dad could do anything and everything. He was such a smart man whose brain worked differently than most people. He could see in his head and talk anyone through fixing something he had not even seen just by listening to the sound and the explanation given over the phone. When I'd ask him for information on how to do something, he would give me 18 different ways to do it which only confused me. I always needed his help.

I loved working with Dad whether it was checking cattle, fixing fence or hooking up equipment. I learned to drive a couple of his tractors so I could at least help him as he worked with them. I never drove pulling equipment in the field, though. I loved working with him and learned so much from him when we remodeled the basement in my Colby house or building an addition on my farmhouse. I'd watch him and help as I could as he worked on fencing, farm equipment, chasing or moving cattle, household appliances, wiring (even though I am scared of electricity), and construction.

I sure miss not having him around to spend time with and to ride the pastures with him. I miss working with him. I miss his stories even though they may be about someone that was old when he was young and who they were married to and who their parents & grandparents were. This didn't mean a thing to me but I would listen to his voice more than the story. I'd tell myself to just listen to his voice.

Happy birthday, Daddy. I miss you and love you with all my heart.

Rose

Is August over yet? Surely September has to be better!

I will continue to tell my farm drama story.  I just need to get it out in order to have some peace of mind and also as a way to journal and document events.

On Friday, August 12, Derrick started sending more texts to me.  I had enough of the bullying, accusations, verbal & emotional abuse.  I blocked his phone number on my cell phone so I do not receive any calls or texts from him.  He evidently did not like that either because when I went down to Mom's house to give her the morning medications and to spend time with her, Derrick came out onto his deck and taunted me over the edge, "So you decided to come give Granny her meds-Finally."  I just kept walking into the house ignoring him.  I admit I was mad at this juvenile behavior but I will not act like that back at him.  That evening when I was back at Mom's he came in "to check on Granny" but all he did was every thing he said was another taunt at me with something he had referenced in all his nasty texts to me.  Of course, Mom did not catch any of it and thought it was so nice of him to stop in since he rarely comes down. 

On the Monday the 15th I had worked at the library so drove my car down to Mom's.  That evening she walked up the hill to talk to me for some reason.  She didn't think I had been to see her all that day when I had been there before and after library and had just left her house an hour earlier.  After we visited and she was ready to go back home I told her I'd take her home.  We went out to the Massimo 4-wheeler and there was no key in it.  Derrick was at his shed so Mom hollered at him to see if he knew where the key was.  He came over and said that the 4-wheeler was not mine and it stayed with the farm so it is his and he is selling it.  That is something that is in the trust and also on the list of things Dad was keeping as personal.  He has told me ever since he bought it that it is for me to use and when they are gone it is mine.  I really won't need one much then.  Anyway Mom said it was Dad's and she wanted the key.  He refused to give me the key but he did finally give it to Mom when she walked over to his shed.  What is it with this boy to take the keys out of Dad's things?  He is using Dad's Ranger also when he has 3 of their own. I have had to start pulling the key out of the Massimo and wearing it on a lanyard to hang in my house when I am not using it.  This is so insane.  

The next two weeks were pretty quiet from him.  When I happen to be in the yard or going down to Mom's or the mailbox and any of them are out, they turn their heads the opposite way so they won't even look at me.  OK, whatever.  I just hate that they are teaching their kids to act like this.  

Saturday I was taking Mom to evening mass because the priest was blessing the challis and things that the family donated in memory of Dad.  My car tire was at 26 lbs of pressure.  I got Mom and we drove up to the shop and I turned on the air, filled my tire, turned off the air and left for church.  As we were driving down the dirt road there was a dark Dodge pickup following me and getting closer and closer.  Was Derrick chasing me down because I went in his shop for air?  The pickup was right behind me when I stopped at the highway.  Is he going to get out and come to my door?  Once we got on the highway I took the first turn into town and the pickup buzzed by me and it had a PWR license tag on the back like Derrick's and the windows were so tinted that I could not see the people inside.  It turned at the next corner.  Crap, what is going on?  I hate feeling so paranoid and scared and panicked.  The pickup pulled up on the side of church and I parked right in front in the handicap space.  Surely nothing will happen right in front of church.  As we walked up to the church Dan and Mitzi Wachendorfer came up.  The pickup was them and not Derrick.  My first feeling was of relief and my second feeling was how stupid to get so worked up because of all the crap that has happened on the farm.  

Sunday morning my car tire was at 24 lbs of pressure and I pulled up to the shop and put air in my tire as I had done the night before.  No problems here.  That is good.  Now this morning I was to work at the library 9:00-11:00, take Mom to the hospital for a chest CT scan at noon, I had PT at 1:00, then get my tire fixed at Great Western Tire.  I got in the car and the pressure gage showed 14 lbs.  The shop doors were open and I pulled up to get air and Derrick comes flying in the shop on the skip steer, came jumping off, running at me, cussing at me, and told me to get out and I was not allowed in his buildings all with more F-words than any other words.  I explained that my tire was low and I needed some air.  He told me in no nice terms that that is not his problem and I can not get air here.  I was just S- out of luck and it was my problem not his.  "Too bad to be you" Derrick told me.  I got back in my car without saying another word and went to Mom's. 

What am I going to do?  My little air compressor will take all morning to get enough air in it to drive to Colby & I really do not want to change the tire for the spare in the stickers either.  I went to Mom's with her medicine and her solution was just to stay home.  We don't need to go anywhere.  I was not happy with Derrick's treatment nor Mom's suggestion.  I decided to drive the car on 14 lbs tire pressure the 6 miles to Selden and hope I make it then go to Steve's shop and have him put some air in it.  There is no place in Selden to get air.  Thank you, God, for my brother-in-law.  I got to Colby for all our appointments and got my tire fixed and they also changed my oil for me.  It just happened when I went in they were between things but 15 minutes later they got several things in and she was telling people that it would be an hour wait.  

I can't believe how things have exploded here.  Derrick is even mad at his mother that he did not wish her a happy birthday on Facebook yet he did wish Alisha, his cousin, a happy birthday.  I know this is a stupid small thing but that was a deliberate punch to his mom.  He is mad at her because he went to her with his version of what was happening with Dad's tractor and she did not back him up by telling me to give it to him.  Not my place to do that.  It was Mom's tractor to sell.  The whole thing in done and over as far as I am concerned.  I am not mad at him but I am hurt by him.  I do not hold a grudge or or hard feelings as I know he is grieving Dad also even though that is not an excuse to treat others as he has been treating me.

Last night Karen called me and said she did not want me to come to stay with her in Wichita when she has shoulder replacement surgery.  She is concerned about taking Mom off the farm from her familiar place and what if we do start hospice soon-what happens then?  I guess that means I am tied down completely for the time being. Nobody else will be able to check in on her and spend time with her every day.  Hospice nurses once or twice a week will not be enough help for Mom.  Karen also was planning to come out the weekend after Labor Day so I could get away and go to the temple and the mountains for a few days. Now she said she will come out Friday evening after work and need to go back to Wichita on Monday.  She started asking me about what projects do WE need to do to prepare for Mom's funeral now and in the house to make it easier when she is gone.  Will Derrick hold the family to the 90 days before he takes possession of her house and we not be allowed to go back in for anything?  At this point I don't want to jump ahead of ourselves.  Mom is not on Hospice yet and we do not know how aggressive her cancer is or how much time to expect we may still have with her.  I don't know, I don't want to think that far ahead with so much yet unknown. I have found papers that Mom wrote out and notes taken when we have talked in the past and again when Daddy died.  Mary has made Mom's casket and we have a foam pad for it.  It just needs covered.  We have the family pall that Mom had everything to make for several years before Dad died also.  Do we have to plan it all out yet?

By Karen only being here essentially 2 days to be with Mom, it really does not give me time to get away to do anything unless I run out to the temple and back riding with someone else on Saturday for the Colby Branch temple day.  Our session is at 10:00 MT.  That makes for one very long tiring day.  If I go myself  I'll need to go out Friday evening.  I would have to spend $350 + for a hotel Friday & Saturday and come home Sunday and not get any time in the mountains in order to be back home before Karen leaves.  Or I could drive up into the mountains late Saturday afternoon, find a camp site for a night or two and come home Monday afternoon.  I would not enjoy feeling that rushed or stressed on Saturday and would leave before and come home after Karen is here.  I'd not get to see her at all.  Anyway it sounds like she would rather have me here to "work on something together" since going to visit Mom is the same conversations and her showing you the same thing and telling the same wacky stories over and over and over because of her dementia.  Yes, I know that is how every day goes-Every Day! Welcome to my "not the real" world.

Then Kassie called me.  She is the person I want to take care of things for me when I die.  We have talked at length about this in the past.  Do I have a will made out yet?  How is my financial situation?  Do I need a second income?  Will I move off the farm after G-ma is gone?  Why would I want to stay living on the farm once "they" do not need me and they try to make it intolerable for me to continue to live here.  I can afford to live on my income here and if I move off the farm every house payment or rent payment will all have to come out of my savings.  I was informed that what I have will not go that far.  I know that and that is why I feel I need to live here as long as possible to save more money, allow my investments to bounce back from the market downturn over the past year, etc. This is my home.  I have lived in this house for as long as I lived in my Colby house.  The only place I lived longer was the Hill City house as a child.  Thanks for worrying about me but it wasn't the best time for me after everything else lately.  

Right now I feel frustrated about everything with everyone.  I hate feeling this way.  By admitting this, someone who might read this will think I am doing nothing but complaining and having my own little (or big) "Oh, poor me" party.  They will think I'm off my rocker and need put away for being out of my mind with paranoia and anxiety and depression.  I am a crazy lady it might look like.  That is not the case at all.  I am dealing with a lot of stuff at once-Grieving Daddy's death, helping Mother to be able to stay in her home for as long as possible, a spoiled nephew that is mad & verdictive because he did not get everything he wanted his way, having little personal time, and trying to keep up with every day life in two households at once.  

I am not feeling sorry for myself.  This is where I have wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing for the past 15 years.  I am so grateful to my parents for giving me the opportunity to heal myself and to see them every day and to help them as they needed more help.  This is where I want to be now and what I want to be doing at this time still.  What does the future hold for me?  I don't know yet.  I have looked at housing in different areas, Wichita and surrounding areas, Colby, Salina.  I have looked at houses for sale and also apartments for rent to get some kind of idea of what to expect should I decided to leave the farm later.  If I leave the farm it will surely not be because of being bullied to the point of wanting out.  It will be because I believe that it is time for me to be living in town somewhere closer to doctors and senior amenities and maybe even closer to family that I enjoy spending time with and that we do a lot of things together because of common interests. Who knows?  Time will tell that story.

I am grateful for every day I have had with my parents.  I am grateful for all my parents have done for me. I am grateful for each day I have to still spend with Mom.  I love my parents deeply and miss Dad tremendously.  I will miss Mom as much when it is her time to pass through the vail from mortal life.  I'm sure I will feel lost when that time comes but I am grateful each and every day for the life I have and how I have been allowed to live it my way.  

Thank you, Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ, for the great plan of salvation and happiness.  Thank you for all the blessings you have given me and for the trials that teach me how to be more like you.

All my love always,

Rose

Daddy's tractor is gone!

  

  August 10, 2022

I did not sleep but maybe 1 1/2 hours this morning because of being so upset about how things transpired yesterday over Dad's tractor and Derrick's entitled attitude.  I feel he was bulling me and spoke in text to me in such a horrible and nasty way.  That is all documented in my two proper blogs from last night.  

Today I woke up to the following text from Derrick which was sent to me at 9:05 am

"After being up all night, I want to thank you for the opportunity to buy the tractor at a decent price and having time to find parts and price repairs, then in 5 hours having that opportunity ripped out from under me and get told that they are picking it up and my check will not be accepted, then, after a complete shit show, to a cash only offer that will have no proof of me buying anything and basically being told still that my check is no good!  I have decided that it's not worth the drama or the money and this is just how "family" treats "family" after the leader passes (was always warned about it)! Your true colors really showed yesterday, and it really sucks that you are ok with the way you treat the ones that were supposed to be close to you over a few dollars!  Can you imagine how you would be acting right now if grandpa hadn't sold me the farm when he did!  He knew!  Enjoy your money!  The keys will be left in the tractor for your "business deal" to go smoothly!"

5:34 pm - "Just got my repair bids back, thanks again for the time to figure it out and make a decision, so generous of you"

8:05 pm - "That's fine keep ignoring me!  I like it when you don't run your mouth!  Just wondering how it feels to hurt Layne?  Supposedly someone you "love" he watched every bit of this go down!  I could care less if you hate me for some reason!  I'm an adult and can handle it!, but Layne, a 14 year old kid that has done nothing but love you!  How does it feel to rip one of the best memories he has with his papa away from him?  How does it feel to crush his dream of fixing that tractor up?  How does it feel selling it for fast money and not giving Laynes dad a fighting chance to save it for him? How do you think layne felt today seeing that tractor on that trailer leaving papas farm?  Please god I pray for answers on why you did what you did to hurt me and never thought about what Layne had invested in that tractor?  I am sorry for my anger last night, but you brought it out of me!  Several other "family" members don't understand either!  We will wait for answers!  Why was selling it to Abilene Machine a better option for you than giving us time to make something happen for Layne?"

8;44 pm - I responded to Derrick with this text:  "My mistake was to believe in people and take them at their word.  You told me multiple times you do not want Gpa"s tractor, that you will not buy that tractor. You even sent your son to my house 2 evenings to tell me that again because you made a deal on a new tractor.  I'm sorry if I misunderstood the meaning of "do not want" & "will not buy". I do not appreciate feeling bullied and spoken to in the horrible & nasty manor in the things you texted to me.  Responding anything to the rants of an angry man serves no purpose to anyone. I'm sorry you feel angry & hurt. I love you & your family with all my heart.

Rose"

 8:56 pm - From Derrick again: "That is a lie!  I told you that one time when you threw your fit and wanted full price for a broke down tractor!  I could not and still couldn't buy a tractor for 30 grand and put another 20 into it to fix it up!  I did not send Layne to your house to say anything so don't make things up and put words into my mouth!  My next offer to keep the tractor was yesterday and reasonably priced, then taken away from me in 5 hours!  You have lied a lot to yourself lately and believe them, please work on that!  What I said out of anger was all true!  That is who you are now!  You would even hear Judy out last night on how ridiculous you were being and what business you thought you were doing was tearing apart your closet family and not giving us 2 weeks like the original offer!  You changed the deal 3 times yesterday, final was cash only so I couldn't prove I bought anything?  What kind of offer is that to family?

N

You did this all to hurt me yesterday, and nobody knows why, when the biggest one you tore up was Layne!  He had no chance to save his memory either

Why did you take original offer off of the table in 5 hours, then not accept my check, then switch it to cash only?

Would that make you angry to, if someone offered to you to save something you loved and than said no just kidding, won't happen?"

 

After receiving Derrick’s text at 9:50 this morning I called Todd back at 9:11 am with Abilene Machine telling him Derrick will not stop the tractor being picked up.  He called me right back saying he will talk to the truck driver and get back with be about pickup times.  At 10:42 Andy, the truck driver, called to let me know he should arrive here between 3:00 & 4:00.  Todd called again at 10:47 telling me Andy would be calling me.  I expressed my gratitude for their dealings with Dad over the years and their kindness & understanding through the past few days. At 3:29 pm Andy called that he was just turning onto the dirt road at Selden and would be here in a few minutes.  I told him I’d meet him at the top of the road. 

 Mom & I met Andy and took him down to where the tractor was parked so he could see the trail to the tractor and where & how it  was parked.  He felt the best would be to drive his semi down to the creek bottom and load the tractor there.  This would be less time the engine would need to run not knowing how fast the oil spews out of the break.  Mom & I followed his truck.  Andy gave Mom the Abilene Machine check for $10,000 before he even walked to the tractor.  We sat on the 4-wheeler and watched him work.  Andy was so sweet.  He was very understanding and kind about all the on again, off again of family drama.  He let me take pictures of him with Mom beside the tractor once loaded on the trailer. He gave both of us hugs, saying he was sorry we had to go through the family drama when it is hard enough to lose the man we all love.  We came to the house to cool off while Andy chained down the tractor, rehooked his trailer, put up wide load signs and turned on his flashing lights.  I went back down and gave him a cold bottle of water and thanked him again for his understanding and kindness and how much Dad liked doing business them weather for parts or advice.

 Right before Andy was done, Layne pulled down the hill driving Derrick’s new tractor.  He had to wait for the semi to leave before he could unhook the implement for his tractor.  I waved at Layne when he drove into the field but I do not think he waved back at me.  If he did it was just that little limp wrist wave he does at times.  I’m sure he, too, was really missing Papa at that moment.

 It was so sad to watch the semi drive up the hill with Dad’s tractor loaded on the trailer.  It felt like I was saying goodbye to Dad all over again.  His toy and his joy was turning onto the road.  Another piece of Dad was leaving.

 

 

 

August 11, 2022

 August 11 Texts:  Red is what Derrick sent to me and the blue is what I wrote to Derrick

 10:07 am - How can you say you love us with all of your heart, and intently use the one thing you had to hurt me and my son! Grandpas final wishes was to keep the family together, but how do you expect me to try and do that when you did what you did and didn't even give us the chance! I really hope 10 grand was worth it!  I don't know how I will ever look at you the same, just like you couldn't look at Layne yesterday, cause you knew in what tiny piece of heart you have left you were hurting him the worst!  Attack me all you want for whatever chip you have on your shoulder, but you will never get the chance to hurt another one of my kids again! 

 10:16 am - 

You were the one person left on that farm that I could sit down and talk to about life!  We had a great future ahead of us on that farm!  Why why why, would you attack me and my family over a tractor that meant absolutely nothing to you, but everything to my son!  Please keep ignoring me!  It only shows the real you! 

 11.05: AM - I responded to Derrick:  

I'm sorry you feel I made any attack on you or your family. You said you did not want the tractor. The tractor is Mom's & not mine. Mom asked me to see what options were because she didn't need a tractor. I got options for repair, sell & salvage estimates. My siblings were given these options & asked for their opinions & all information was taken to Mom. She asked me to call AM for a salvage value. I did so & they made the offer tellung me it would be 2 weeks before they coukd pick it up. I said I needed to notify family & sent out the text & went to tell Mom. While I was there I received a call a call which I did not get till I got home later in the afternoon that a truck would be in the area the next day to pick it up. I had no say in their time line. I called AM saying I thought we had more time asked to cancel the deal. Then the owner called raising the offer & I went back to Mom's.

At this point you finally replied to my first text with anger & threats. I did contact AM again at 8 pm & he agreed to hold off a while to see if things calmed down here. Yes, I did say only cash not for you to not have a paper trail but was thinking bank money transfer. You were so mad I was afraid a personal check might not go through the bank for one reason or another. My mistake. I apologize for that not being stated exactly that way. I said I would not accept your check because it is Mom's tractor, not mine, & any money is hers not mine. It should have been given to her & it would have been done. Once you texted me again in the morning that would would not buy the tractor I again called AM. I waved at Layne when he pulled into the field. I was sad to watch Dad's toy & joy roll up the hill & turn down the road. I'm sure it was hard for Layne too. If you had really wanted the

tractor there has been 3 months that you could have researched options & made a deal with Mom. I do not feel I have made any personal attach on you or your family & I'm sorry you feel that way. I never had any intentions of attack or anger towards you. I'm deeply hurt by your words to me. I do not want any tensions between us. I do love you! I'm sorry that my actions in helping my parents hurt you. I want peace among us all.

Rose

 11:24 am - More from Derrick:

Grandma also told me that grandpa bought that tractor for layne and if I wanted to keep it around I could! You didn't listen to that part and pushed the sale through so fast so we wouldn't end up with it!  I wanted it at 7500 for my son and you knew that, but wouldn't take my check, that is where you went wrong and everyone will know that! You would not listen to Judy, or my mom!  You just wanted it gone and do "buisness" with someone other than me! Tell yourself what you want to hear so you feel better about being the fairy god mother, but god and grandpa watched you do it and there will be repercussions and karma for what you have done!  There will always be tension forever now over what you did unless you make this right!  I will have my guard up and protect me and my family from people that are out to hurt them like yourself!! How can you even think that there won't be tension!  I would have wrote the check, I would have written it in grandmas name, but you told me it wouldn't be accepted and you handle their banking! Don't change your story now and act like you did nothing wrong!  This was the breaking point for you and me unless it is fixed!  I will tell my story over and over unless you fix it!  I will not be there to help you out with a single thing unless you fix this!  I wanted you around for life and now can't stand the thought of seeing you and I live right there!  I have not spread this story very wide yet, but it's up to you on how far I take it!  You attacked me and my son over this deal, either fix it or lose my "family" supposedly people you "love" (ya right,I really don't believe you know what those two words mean) forever!  I will not forget, I will not let this blow over, I will not say a good word about you, I will repeat my side over and over and over, till this is fixed

 11:34 am - I also need a copy of my final dept to grandma and grandpa before you make any changes to it!

I have my old ones to prove your modifications

 2:54 pm - You better fix this!  You are not my family until you do!  I and my family will tell every single family member my side of this story and I guarantee we won't be the last ones you lose over this!  They will tear that tractor to pieces in just a few short days if you do not do something!  You have a very small window to fix the damage you have done

 The following are copied and pasted from messages on Tuesday that Derrick is sending to me at 3:37 pm today, Thurs, Aug 11:

Sending a check

No accepting.it

Rose

No accepting.it

Rose

No accepting.it

Rose

 3:56 pm – I sent following to Derrick after putting a copy of all transactions on his accounts owed to Gpa & Gma as he wanted.  I included copies that he received the end of 2020, all transactions from 2021, and interest on house loan for 8 months fir 2022.  December 13 was Dana’s last payment received.

A full accounting of your loans to Gma & Gpa as you requested are in your mailbox.

Rose

 3:57 pm – From Derrick to me:

I swear if there is one typo again I'm getting lawyers involved

No accepting.it

Rose

 Small window!  I'm telling you!  Accept it or don't!

I didn't want any of this Drama!  The people all know that!  You brought this all on your own!  You and only you started this shit show!

You thrive on drama, is the only reason you pushed me this far!

 7:03 pm -  Window getting smaller

 

Mom and I have spent a lot of time talking today.  Mom asked to read all the texts involved in this situation.  I opened up the Message ap and she read the full exchange between Derrick and me.  I gave her the same printouts on what Derrick owes her that I left in Derrick’s mailbox and we looked over it and I explained every transaction for her as she looked at it. 

Right now I am emotionally exhausted.  I wish he would just give it a rest.  He can tell the entire family – every one that he knows – about this as he has threatened. I do not care.  All family who know him and also know me - Providing he tells the entire story or his version of how I have wounded him, they can judge for themselves. 

I feel that these texts have been accusatory, harassing, bullying, threatening, horribly profane and nasty, and now trying to attack me emotionally.  His angry behavior in these texts he sent and in the way I have responded to him when I did respond speak for themselves.  Nothing I say at this time to him will change how he feels or satisfy him.  I do not plan to respond to any of his crap unless absolutely necessary.  I will not be provoked into acting his way. 

I am writing and documenting all this for my own peace.  I have always journaled to sort out events and feelings.  I am not angry.  I am deeply hurt and disappointed by these events that have taken place over the past few days.

I know Derrick is missing his Grandpa and hurting.  That is the only way that I can look at this behavior.  We all miss you, Daddy.  I love you, forever. 

 

Oh, crap! More texts from Derrick:  Can’t he stop now.  What is done is done and no response I make to him will be enough nor will he be satisfied.

7:31 pm

Copied from text Tuesday, Aug 9 - 6:38 pm text to me from Derrick:  “You priced it at 7500 at 10:38 this morning, which is a completely different story than a week after he died when you threw your greedy little bitch fit! I need time to price repairs, like I had at 10:38 this morning! I'll send a kid over with a check right fucking now if that's what it takes for you to feel good about your greedy inheritance chasing attitude!  I'm done dealing with you and I really hope your sisters are there to pick you up when you fall!”

Do you remember this part of the conversation when I said I would send a kid over with the check

Sounds like I really wanted the tractor

And then this part

Sending a check

No accepting.it  Rose

 

Can’t he stop now!  Surely he must be tired of texting to me that he has had to copy and paste from earlier texts he sent to me.  What is done is done and no response I make to him will be enough nor will he be satisfied by.  He is just an angry and grieving man.  I hate the fact that he will keep the kids from me because of his attitudes.  I can't change that.

This evening Mom told me after reading the texts all the way through that I did what she asked, she trusted me and appreciated all I do to help her.  She also said Dad would be proud of me in the way that I responded to Derrick’s rantings.

I believe that as soon as Mom passes Derrick will do everything in his power to kick me out of my home or make it so miserable for me that I will want to leave the farm.  Right now the naughty side of me wants to stay just to spite him.  I do not like being bullied.

Miss you, Dad.  Love you forever.

Rose