I treasure all the time over the past sixteen years that I have had with Mom & Dad. Over the past year since Dad's death and especially the past several months, I have been blessed to have so much special one on one time with my mother. The last six years have been a bonus with Mom after being diagnoses with AFIB, Congestive Heart Failure, Breast Cancer and Kidney Disease. We didn't think she would have been alive yet by that Christmas.
When I took Mom for her regular checkup with Amanda Reid on June 1, she said that she felt it was time for Mom to be moved to memory care. She discussed it with Mom and explained to her the reasons. Amanda told us at her very first visit as a new patient that she would let us know when the time had come for the change. I have trusted Amanda from that first appointment to do what is best for us physically mentally, emotionally as well as spiritually. She has always looked at the whole person not just this one complaint at a time on its own. She asked Mom if a bed became available at Prairie Senior would she be willing to accept it. Mom said that she knew someday that would happen and if that is what Amanda thought was needed then she would do that. I have been staying with Mom day and night with a little help from my sisters since her prior doctor appointment in February.
I have been overwhelmed by full time care but both Mom & I have adjusted. She is not hard to care for because she is very mobile and able to take care of her personal care needs. The only problems we have are what is normal with Alzheimer's. It is a strain to be on constant watch that she does not wonder both day and night. Half the time she does not sleep through the night and has been up in the middle of the night thinking it is time to start her day. Caring for her is more a mental strain than a physical strain. I am grateful for a few little breaks with the help of my sisters. I do know that I can not care for Mom with these conditions without more help.
I am not against Mom going to the memory care unit in the nursing facility. I am just not ready for it. When I moved to the farm in order to heal and to help Mom & Dad as they needed more help, I wanted to fulfil Dad's wishes that they live out their lives at home on the farm as long as possible. Dad did live at home until the last 3 weeks when he was in the hospital and rehab center.
After the June 1 appointment and Mom agreed to make the move to memory care since the doctor believed it best, I have been so torn. My head knows it will be good for us all but my heart is breaking. My personal (and sometimes not rational) feelings are at war. I feel guilty because I know this will as good for me as for Mom in the long run. I also feel like I have failed Mom & Dad by not being strong enough to care for Mom longer at home. I feel emotionally drained. I feel guilty and a failure. I feel relief at the same time. I feel ripped apart.
The first Sunday every month is Fast Sunday at church. I am not able to fully fast because of health and medications but I can do some and I can pray with a special purpose. This weekend my intense prayer was to really know God's will and His plan for us. I have always believed he has a plan for each of us and if we will seek His will for us and follow that we will be blessed beyond measure. I have seen this happen in my own life over and over. I prayed for what is best for Mom, her care and safety as well as how I can best honor her. I prayed for knowledge of God's will and the courage and strength to do what he requires of me. I prayed for comfort in the war between head and heart and that they can come together. I prayed with intensity and full faith that my prayers would be answered and I would know what I was to do. I received the feeling of peace that whatever is to be will be for our good if I trust in Him. I felt more calm and that my head and heart were coming closer to accepting what is God's will.
10 days later I was caught off guard and shocked when I received a phone call from Prairie Senior Living Complex telling me they have a room available for Mom. This happened so fast! It will be a semi private room for now. As soon as we could get the CARE assessment from The Area Agency on Aging and an evaluation admittance doctor appointment Mom could check the same day that is done. I know that this was God's will and His timing. Even though I am not ready for this so soon, I know this is the right thing for all of us at this time. I am so sad but accept it even though my heart still breaks. Those appointments were completed yesterday, June 23, and Judy, Mary, Cathy & Joe were with me when we checked in Mom and unloaded her belongings after lunch. By 4:00 they were all gone except me. Mom did not want to be dropped off and abandoned then she did not want to stay if I was not going to stay with her. We both cried as she felt scared and I felt heart broken. I did finally leave around 9:00 once Mom was in bed. I called Karen and told her about the day as I cried even more.
I feel like my heart has been torn open and can not heal because someone keeps ripping off the band aid and tearing off the scab. I feel like I have slowly been losing my Mother for the past 6 years, now again as she moved off the farm for nursing care. I will have to lose her again one day as I have lost Dad for the remaining time I have on this earth. I look forward to the joy of seeing them again in paradise in the next life beyond this mortal life.
Today I did not go to visit Mom. I feel that it may be best for both of us as a way to start our adjustments. I will see her after church tomorrow and again on Tuesday because I have an appointment in Hays on Monday. Mary & Kassie went up to see her and then Karen & Ron stopped to visit Mom on their way through to Colorado. I talked to each one of them after their visits and I talked to her nurse this morning. Mom slept through the night. She got a shower this morning. It's been 2 weeks since her last shower at home and that was for Judy. She refused to take one when I would ask and I decided this was not a fight I wanted to have with her. She did not eat breakfast saying she was not hungry but she never has liked eating that early in the morning. She also did not eat much for lunch. Mom was visiting with another lady as if she had known her for years and talked like she had been there for a week. She was in the dining/day room folding towels when Mary got there. Mom's roommate said she did not like this other lady using her bathroom and Mom has people in all the time and she can hear everything that we say. She is going to move out. Mom offered to help her pack. I had to laugh at that. Mom was just trying to be helpful and not snarky as far as I know. I would love for Mom to have a room to herself and we can move her own memory foam queen bed that can be controlled up and down as a hospital bed.
Today I went down to Mom's house to empty the dehumidifier, pack up some of my things that were taken there as I stayed there. I took out all the trash bags I had ready and spend an hour picking up. I got my scripture study done by noon then tried to pick up some in my own house, took a nap and watched a little tv while playing games on the phone. I got my dish ready for the church dinner tomorrow and cleaned up the dishes. It will take time to get my house back in some sort of order but, in all honesty, my house is never totally in order.
We will adjust and we will be blessed through this change in our lives. I am so grateful to Jesus Christ for walking with me through these changes and adjustments. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for answered prayers. I am grateful to have the Holy Ghost to testify to me, guide me, and comfort me.
Love you, Momma! See you tomorrow after church.
Rose
