March has been eventful over the past 3 weeks. March 1 I turned 66 years old. Happy birthday to me. I do not like pictures of myself but decided to celebrate the day with something to remember.
The day was spent with Mom who only wanted to argue with me because we were planning to leave the farm for a couple days to go to a funeral and she thought I should go by myself or find someone else to go with me. At one point she told me I was not going to win this one but I did afterall.
The next day we left to spend the night in Beloit for my cousin's funeral the following morning. We drove through Hill City and drove by the house I grew up in and Mom & Dad ran their business "Jerry's Radio and TV" from the home. She has no memory of that time at all. She was completely baffled about it. We drove around the block so many times and stopped in the street looking so much that the woman came out to see if we were lost and if she could help us. We explained to her that we had owned the house and are the family they purchased it from. She was so sweet but I felt bad that we had made her nervous. I was surprised she had not called the police. Only in a small town would you go out to see if people loitering outside your house needed something on your own.
Jim Long is the first of my generation of cousins on the Juenemann side to pass away. Jim was a month younger than me. All my cousins were so great to Mom as they all came up to her at one time or another with hugs and little visit. After each one Mom would look at me and ask who that was. She did know her sister's kids (at least knew they were MaryAnn's even if she was not sure who's name was whose). They all know her situation and is one of only a very few aunts left in the family.
After being gone for two days Mom did have a rough time with more confusion. Whenever we are gone she doesn't know where home is. Being back in her own house on the farm does not seem like home to her. Yet, all her things are there so it must be home. The next week all she wanted to do was have someone take her 'home'. The only thing I can figure out is that 'home' to her is the farm house that she grew up in by Angelus as a child. She struggles to understand that her Mom & Dad have died then asks about each of her siblings as well. There are only 3 of the 10 children still living - Sister Rita, Mom and Phyllis Jean.
Mom knows Dad died but she 'forgets' and is waiting for him to come in for supper. She has called me to check on him thinking he must be working in the shed. Then while talking to me she remembers, "Oh, I guess he won't be coming in. Daddy died."
I had been going to Mom's in the mornings when I got up and around, fixed and ate lunch with her, did any household chores that needed done, then would go home 3-4 pm so she had some time to herself. I began to notice that she was more confused in the late afternoon and evenings by the phone calls. I decided I needed to stay and have supper with her as well then leave when she said she wanted to go to bed. Now I'm usually there from around 10 am to 7-8 pm. She is getting ready for bed when I leave. Of course she actually does not always go to bed then. A few nights she has called me later in the evening thinking someone is coming and has not arrived yet but she wants to go to bed or she is waiting for someone to come get her and take her home. She has packed up all kind of random things that she wants to take home with her. There are no clothes but just random things that make no sense together. She called me at 5:30 the other morning saying she tired and asked it it was too early to go to bed since Dad has not come to take her home yet. She thought it was evening instead of morning. Mom is losing her sense of day and night based on light and dark along with time of day. She wants to feed me even if we just ate lunch and got the dishes done. Feeding the family is what she did for 66 years.. She doesn't cook anymore and rarely even puts leftovers in the microwave. She was eating cereal, peanut butter or ice cream for supper if she even knew it was supper time.
One day Mom was exceptionally confused. She knew my name was Rose but not that I was her Rose. When did that happen!!!?? Daddy & I never did anything like that! Why didn't we know about you? You were never at family dinners or family reunions. Do the other kids know about you? You must be from Dad's other wife. Did he know about you? This went on and on for almost 3 hours with her walking out of the room mad because I was telling her things she did not believe then forgetting why she was mad but didn't remember what we had talked about and starting all over again. All I can figure out is she must have been thinking about her Dad and his first wife that passed away after the birth of their 5th baby & later married and they had her and 4 other babies but I was not a sibling of hers. I was not hurt that she did not remember that I am her daughter but my heart breaks for her to be so confused and frustrated when she realizes she can't remember.
March 15th Dad & Mom's headstone was set up at the cemetery. It looks good. I took Mom out on Friday to see it.
She walked up to it, looked at it and walked off to find her sister, MaryAnn's, grave. As we were leaving the cemetery, she asked me where we were than asked if that is where Dad is buried. "Then we need to she where he is", she'd say so we drove around the loop and back to Dad's grave. "Oh, OK" and around the loop we'd go again with the same question and results. We went to Leoville cemetery also to see her sister, Janis's grave also.
Overall Mom and I are doing ok. She seems more appreciative of me spending more time with her and I am glad to be there with her. She caught me video recording her as she came into the kitchen to show me something. She was so happy she found something in a book she thought I might like. I loved seeing her happy and smiling and forgetting for a little bit she doesn't feel well. I wanted to capture that expression and voice. I have pictures of Dad but not really a recording other than the one of him singing "Silent Night" at Christmas Eve mass before he quit being song leader at church. I wish I had more of his voice just talking to me about anything-cows, tractors or even the people he knew when he had his business in Hill City when I was a child. It is hard to believe that Dad has been gone 10 1/2 months already. Seems like yesterday and at the same time seems like so very long ago. I sure miss him and know I will miss my mother as much when that day comes. For now, I will enjoy every moment I have with her.
Rose
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