4 weeks ago tonight my father passed away. Today is the first day that I have really been overly emotional and really cried. I have been busy figuring out what is needed for Mom and I to continue in daily life.
Mom has had trouble remembering that Daddy's gone. She does get that now and that the funeral is over but she thinks that I just made all the decisions and that she was not consulted on any of it and is mad at me a lot. I know she is grieving and she does not like to show any emotion so it comes out in anger. I try not to get angry back at her.
Before Karen went back to Wichita, Mom had us go through some of Dad's clothes. We sorted things out on the bed but did not start on the closet. That was all Mom could handle. The clothes are still on the bed and we have not gone through the closet yet. I have sorted & organized some items in the office on the two desks but not thrown anything away. I have done all the paperwork for the life insurances Dad had. I have called Blue Cross Blue Shield Insurance and the long term care insurance to stop those automatic drafts. Leona Dickman came out last Thursday and Mom picked out a tomb stone for the cemetery. We have an appointment with the lawyer on Thursday, June 2. That will end the first month of Dad being gone.
Karen is back for a few days this weekend. Today I planned to stay home and clean house while she spent the day with Mom. Layne came over to hang out for several hours so I did not get as much done as I had hoped and I did not have that time to myself. I'm grateful the kids like to come over and hang out with me. I am blessed! Today was just not the day I had hoped for.
I think it is all catching up with me. I have had a few minutes to myself and the first old "normal" day, I guess. I did not have to think about what Mom needs since Karen was there and only had to think about what Rose needs for a little bit. I have back pain today so that doesn't help any either.
I have gone to the cemetery several times. The first was a couple days after the funeral and I went to see what his grave looked like. The next day Mom, Karen & I watched the funeral online since Mom does not remember it and Karen was not able to be at the funeral since she dislocated her shoulder that morning and spent the day in the ER. The following day we took Mom to the cemetery to see where Daddy was. I went back this past Friday when I was in town to make the Memorial deposit and to look for grave stones similar to what Mom picked out. I never thought I'd be a person to go to the grave. Dad is not there; Dad is in paradise!
I miss my father. I miss asking Dad how to do something. I miss riding the Ranger with him to check cattle and fences even though he would talk to me looking the other way and I could not understand a word he was saying over the engine noise and the wind. I miss listening to all his ramblings about people he has known all his life and that I never knew or cared about. I miss Dad's whistling as he worked even though he has not whistled for a long time because of his teeth. I miss watching him 'conduct' as he listens to music and miss hearing him harmonize as he would sing or hum along. I miss listening for the Ranger or tractor to see which way Dad went so if there was trouble I'd have an idea of where to go looking for him because he never turned on his cell phone unless he needed to make a call. I miss working with him in the shed on equipment, helping him prepare to go to the field, getting him out of the field when he had trouble (breakdowns, knocking over fence posts, and running out of fuel were common), and fixing fence and chasing cattle together.
There is a GriefShare program in Hoxie that started a week or two ago that I saw in the newspaper. I am thinking about going to it. I'll check into it further tomorrow because the meetings are on Tuesday evenings.
I'm ok. I just needed a good cry. Actually my first good cry.
I'm grateful for the plan of salvation and to know that I can be sealed to my parents in the future. I am joyful for my father deep in my heart yet my heart hurts with grief . Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the blessing of family and for all the blessings you have given to us.
Miss you! Love you, Daddy!
Good night.
Rose
I love you, Rose.
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