I will continue to tell my farm drama story. I just need to get it out in order to have some peace of mind and also as a way to journal and document events.
On Friday, August 12, Derrick started sending more texts to me. I had enough of the bullying, accusations, verbal & emotional abuse. I blocked his phone number on my cell phone so I do not receive any calls or texts from him. He evidently did not like that either because when I went down to Mom's house to give her the morning medications and to spend time with her, Derrick came out onto his deck and taunted me over the edge, "So you decided to come give Granny her meds-Finally." I just kept walking into the house ignoring him. I admit I was mad at this juvenile behavior but I will not act like that back at him. That evening when I was back at Mom's he came in "to check on Granny" but all he did was every thing he said was another taunt at me with something he had referenced in all his nasty texts to me. Of course, Mom did not catch any of it and thought it was so nice of him to stop in since he rarely comes down.
On the Monday the 15th I had worked at the library so drove my car down to Mom's. That evening she walked up the hill to talk to me for some reason. She didn't think I had been to see her all that day when I had been there before and after library and had just left her house an hour earlier. After we visited and she was ready to go back home I told her I'd take her home. We went out to the Massimo 4-wheeler and there was no key in it. Derrick was at his shed so Mom hollered at him to see if he knew where the key was. He came over and said that the 4-wheeler was not mine and it stayed with the farm so it is his and he is selling it. That is something that is in the trust and also on the list of things Dad was keeping as personal. He has told me ever since he bought it that it is for me to use and when they are gone it is mine. I really won't need one much then. Anyway Mom said it was Dad's and she wanted the key. He refused to give me the key but he did finally give it to Mom when she walked over to his shed. What is it with this boy to take the keys out of Dad's things? He is using Dad's Ranger also when he has 3 of their own. I have had to start pulling the key out of the Massimo and wearing it on a lanyard to hang in my house when I am not using it. This is so insane.
The next two weeks were pretty quiet from him. When I happen to be in the yard or going down to Mom's or the mailbox and any of them are out, they turn their heads the opposite way so they won't even look at me. OK, whatever. I just hate that they are teaching their kids to act like this.
Saturday I was taking Mom to evening mass because the priest was blessing the challis and things that the family donated in memory of Dad. My car tire was at 26 lbs of pressure. I got Mom and we drove up to the shop and I turned on the air, filled my tire, turned off the air and left for church. As we were driving down the dirt road there was a dark Dodge pickup following me and getting closer and closer. Was Derrick chasing me down because I went in his shop for air? The pickup was right behind me when I stopped at the highway. Is he going to get out and come to my door? Once we got on the highway I took the first turn into town and the pickup buzzed by me and it had a PWR license tag on the back like Derrick's and the windows were so tinted that I could not see the people inside. It turned at the next corner. Crap, what is going on? I hate feeling so paranoid and scared and panicked. The pickup pulled up on the side of church and I parked right in front in the handicap space. Surely nothing will happen right in front of church. As we walked up to the church Dan and Mitzi Wachendorfer came up. The pickup was them and not Derrick. My first feeling was of relief and my second feeling was how stupid to get so worked up because of all the crap that has happened on the farm.
Sunday morning my car tire was at 24 lbs of pressure and I pulled up to the shop and put air in my tire as I had done the night before. No problems here. That is good. Now this morning I was to work at the library 9:00-11:00, take Mom to the hospital for a chest CT scan at noon, I had PT at 1:00, then get my tire fixed at Great Western Tire. I got in the car and the pressure gage showed 14 lbs. The shop doors were open and I pulled up to get air and Derrick comes flying in the shop on the skip steer, came jumping off, running at me, cussing at me, and told me to get out and I was not allowed in his buildings all with more F-words than any other words. I explained that my tire was low and I needed some air. He told me in no nice terms that that is not his problem and I can not get air here. I was just S- out of luck and it was my problem not his. "Too bad to be you" Derrick told me. I got back in my car without saying another word and went to Mom's.
What am I going to do? My little air compressor will take all morning to get enough air in it to drive to Colby & I really do not want to change the tire for the spare in the stickers either. I went to Mom's with her medicine and her solution was just to stay home. We don't need to go anywhere. I was not happy with Derrick's treatment nor Mom's suggestion. I decided to drive the car on 14 lbs tire pressure the 6 miles to Selden and hope I make it then go to Steve's shop and have him put some air in it. There is no place in Selden to get air. Thank you, God, for my brother-in-law. I got to Colby for all our appointments and got my tire fixed and they also changed my oil for me. It just happened when I went in they were between things but 15 minutes later they got several things in and she was telling people that it would be an hour wait.
I can't believe how things have exploded here. Derrick is even mad at his mother that he did not wish her a happy birthday on Facebook yet he did wish Alisha, his cousin, a happy birthday. I know this is a stupid small thing but that was a deliberate punch to his mom. He is mad at her because he went to her with his version of what was happening with Dad's tractor and she did not back him up by telling me to give it to him. Not my place to do that. It was Mom's tractor to sell. The whole thing in done and over as far as I am concerned. I am not mad at him but I am hurt by him. I do not hold a grudge or or hard feelings as I know he is grieving Dad also even though that is not an excuse to treat others as he has been treating me.
Last night Karen called me and said she did not want me to come to stay with her in Wichita when she has shoulder replacement surgery. She is concerned about taking Mom off the farm from her familiar place and what if we do start hospice soon-what happens then? I guess that means I am tied down completely for the time being. Nobody else will be able to check in on her and spend time with her every day. Hospice nurses once or twice a week will not be enough help for Mom. Karen also was planning to come out the weekend after Labor Day so I could get away and go to the temple and the mountains for a few days. Now she said she will come out Friday evening after work and need to go back to Wichita on Monday. She started asking me about what projects do WE need to do to prepare for Mom's funeral now and in the house to make it easier when she is gone. Will Derrick hold the family to the 90 days before he takes possession of her house and we not be allowed to go back in for anything? At this point I don't want to jump ahead of ourselves. Mom is not on Hospice yet and we do not know how aggressive her cancer is or how much time to expect we may still have with her. I don't know, I don't want to think that far ahead with so much yet unknown. I have found papers that Mom wrote out and notes taken when we have talked in the past and again when Daddy died. Mary has made Mom's casket and we have a foam pad for it. It just needs covered. We have the family pall that Mom had everything to make for several years before Dad died also. Do we have to plan it all out yet?
By Karen only being here essentially 2 days to be with Mom, it really does not give me time to get away to do anything unless I run out to the temple and back riding with someone else on Saturday for the Colby Branch temple day. Our session is at 10:00 MT. That makes for one very long tiring day. If I go myself I'll need to go out Friday evening. I would have to spend $350 + for a hotel Friday & Saturday and come home Sunday and not get any time in the mountains in order to be back home before Karen leaves. Or I could drive up into the mountains late Saturday afternoon, find a camp site for a night or two and come home Monday afternoon. I would not enjoy feeling that rushed or stressed on Saturday and would leave before and come home after Karen is here. I'd not get to see her at all. Anyway it sounds like she would rather have me here to "work on something together" since going to visit Mom is the same conversations and her showing you the same thing and telling the same wacky stories over and over and over because of her dementia. Yes, I know that is how every day goes-Every Day! Welcome to my "not the real" world.
Then Kassie called me. She is the person I want to take care of things for me when I die. We have talked at length about this in the past. Do I have a will made out yet? How is my financial situation? Do I need a second income? Will I move off the farm after G-ma is gone? Why would I want to stay living on the farm once "they" do not need me and they try to make it intolerable for me to continue to live here. I can afford to live on my income here and if I move off the farm every house payment or rent payment will all have to come out of my savings. I was informed that what I have will not go that far. I know that and that is why I feel I need to live here as long as possible to save more money, allow my investments to bounce back from the market downturn over the past year, etc. This is my home. I have lived in this house for as long as I lived in my Colby house. The only place I lived longer was the Hill City house as a child. Thanks for worrying about me but it wasn't the best time for me after everything else lately.
Right now I feel frustrated about everything with everyone. I hate feeling this way. By admitting this, someone who might read this will think I am doing nothing but complaining and having my own little (or big) "Oh, poor me" party. They will think I'm off my rocker and need put away for being out of my mind with paranoia and anxiety and depression. I am a crazy lady it might look like. That is not the case at all. I am dealing with a lot of stuff at once-Grieving Daddy's death, helping Mother to be able to stay in her home for as long as possible, a spoiled nephew that is mad & verdictive because he did not get everything he wanted his way, having little personal time, and trying to keep up with every day life in two households at once.
I am not feeling sorry for myself. This is where I have wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing for the past 15 years. I am so grateful to my parents for giving me the opportunity to heal myself and to see them every day and to help them as they needed more help. This is where I want to be now and what I want to be doing at this time still. What does the future hold for me? I don't know yet. I have looked at housing in different areas, Wichita and surrounding areas, Colby, Salina. I have looked at houses for sale and also apartments for rent to get some kind of idea of what to expect should I decided to leave the farm later. If I leave the farm it will surely not be because of being bullied to the point of wanting out. It will be because I believe that it is time for me to be living in town somewhere closer to doctors and senior amenities and maybe even closer to family that I enjoy spending time with and that we do a lot of things together because of common interests. Who knows? Time will tell that story.
I am grateful for every day I have had with my parents. I am grateful for all my parents have done for me. I am grateful for each day I have to still spend with Mom. I love my parents deeply and miss Dad tremendously. I will miss Mom as much when it is her time to pass through the vail from mortal life. I'm sure I will feel lost when that time comes but I am grateful each and every day for the life I have and how I have been allowed to live it my way.
Thank you, Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ, for the great plan of salvation and happiness. Thank you for all the blessings you have given me and for the trials that teach me how to be more like you.
All my love always,
Rose
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